A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister."
"Well then, you better make it 13."
A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sees a farmer. "Can you give me a place to spend the night?" he asks.
"You can sleep in the barn, says the farmer, but whatever you do, don't disturb my chicken."
The salesman thanks him and pulls a duck out of his pocket, which immediately sits down and starts playing the piano.
"We don't allow any farm animals in here," says the bartender.
"Do you have any matches?" asks the salesman. "Sure," says the bartender.
"Good," says the salesman, "now I can find the Mac truck and drive out."
Doing so, the salesman takes the farmer home, and goes to the barn. Once there he sees this nest full of rice, which, for no good reason, he proceeds to eat. The next day, he sees the farmer's daughter (who is naturally stark naked), and compliments her on the rice.
"Oh that wasn't rice," says the naked farm girl. My father's chicken died two weeks ago. Those were maggots. Would you like some hot buttered corn?"
"No," says the salesman, "But I'd like some of those cheerios you're eating."
"Oh, these aren't Cheerios," says the farm girl, "These are..."
"Never mind!" says the salesman, and begins to leave.
"Where are you going?" says the farmgirl.
"I'm going to get to the other side," says the salesman.
"Careful," says the farm girl. "That's how our chicken died. Please stay and have some mung!"
"What's mung?" asks the salesman.
"It's a long story, " she replies.
- Franz Kafka
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
The Internet Jokebook|
Featuring the very best of netfunny.com on dead trees.