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Enviromentally Concerned (Dale Andrew Harris)

This was an letter sent to the editor of one of the local papers where I live
I don't remember which, I only cut it out. This may not be considerred a joke
by some but I definately think it's funny. It was written by a Jim Richardson
of Oroville, CA:

"Dear Editor:

        In a late celebration of Earth Day, I decided to stop doing everything 
enviromentally damaging.  I arose early, turned on the light, then realized I
couldn't use electricity anymore; hydro-electric dams destroy scenic waterways,
nuclear generates waste and uses up nonrenewable resources.

        I was hungry and was going to fix bacon and eggs and it hit me;
how could I could I be so cruel?  Think of poor chickens and pigs pumped full
of drugs, stuffed into trucks and shipped to slaughter!  I got my corn flakes
out and realized I couldn't eat them either as farmers use pesticides and
fertilizers that pollute the land and water, causing erosion and destroying
wildlife habitat at every turn.  I grew sicker.

        I went upstairs to dress -- my wool shirt?  No, think of the poor sheep
sheared, shivering, waiting to die in the cold spring rains.  And what about
the poor mothers, stripped of their babies so that I could eat lamb chops?
The wool suit was out, but what about my polyester, Dacron or Rayon clothes?
No way!  Made from petroleum.  No off-shore drilling for me!  But I was cold
so I reached for my fur-lined coat, then dropped it like it was hot.  Think
of all those critters, chewing off their legs, and ranch raised critters killed
with electric prods up their anus.  My down coat?  No!  Plunked from the backs
of dead ducks and geese.  My leather coat?  Just the fur coat with no fur on 
it.  So, I would have to stay naked!

        Couldn't drive my car anymore; all those oil covered otters in Alaska 
Convinced me of that.

        I went back to the kitchen, remembering I had some organically grown wheat.
As I began to eat, I thought, what happens to this wheat now?  I stopped
chewing.  It would pass through my body and become sewage, polluting the land
and water!  I threw my wedding ring away, thinking of those mountains being
dug away for gold.  My depression grew!  Everything I did caused death, 
pollution or consumption. I thought deeply.

        Suddenly, a solution occured!  An act so enviromentally sound, so 
non-consumptive, so giving, came into my mind.

        I would walk, naked, into the desert and die.  My flesh would feed the hawk,
the magpie, the bobcat, the maggot.  What the critters didn't get would soon
melt back into the earth and feed the plants.

        Enviromental renewal!  The greatness of the act overwhelmed me.  Yes, I
swearupon the altar of my god of my fathers -- Charles Darwin -- that I will
carry out this deed of superior character.

        Note:  While trapping coyotes in the desert, I came accross a pile of 
bleached bones with this letter in a water protected packet.  I felt this act
should be shown to the public. Also, it turned out to be a great location
for catching coyotes, and I was hoping that this 'person' might inspire others
of the 'enviromentally conscious' to do the same."

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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