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Political Game Show (Doug "Euphorbia" Warner)
(original, maybe, offense=republicans)

This is an original composed by me, tonight.  It may be offensive to people
who are happy with Reagan or Bush or are politicians themselves.

article follows:
I wish to start a game show.  This game show would allow only contestants
that have been, or currently are, involved in politics.  It would be a
nationally televised event, called "STICK QUIZ," which would soon replace
"JEOPARDY" in popularity.  Let me outline the first show:

This is copywrited only by me and thus contains only my opinions.

[Theme MUSIC, probably something like: DOO de doo doo doo, DA duh da da da,
 DE da de de de, DOUGH di dough dough dough]

[ The camera fades from the applauding audience to the announcer/head of the
  show, who is resting against what looks like a cane from the distance, but
  as the camera zooms closer, it is revealed to be a nice oak club. ]

Announcer:  Welcome to our first day of STICK QUIZ!  This is the first game
  show to do a public service, and have a lot of fun doing it!  Folks, the
  game goes like this:
      Each round, one lucky person is picked from our audience to be the
      person with the stick.  He then stands by the politician as the
      question is asked.  If the politician doesn't answer correctly in
      the allotted time, our lucky member from the audience gets to hit
      the BOZO with the stick!

  Speaking of BOZOS, let's introduce our contestant:
      First, from California, it's former President Reagan!
      Our next contestant is more in the news these days, his name is
        Mayor Barry!
      Our final contestant is very famous, he is President Bush!

  Now let's call a member of our audience to be the stick man:
    And his name is Ed Gruberman!

[ Camera pans to Ed as he jumps up and runs on stage.]

Announcer:  Do you have anything to say, Ed?

Ed:  Yeah, I wanna kick some butt!  I just watched a hockey game with
     Gretsky in it, and I am inspired to do a few slap shots!

[ Announcer hands Ed the STICK, and snickers as the contestants are strapped
  into their chairs. ]

Announcer:  Good.  Now on to our first question.  This one is for Mayor Barry:  
    Have you lied to your voting public about your drug use?

[ Clock ticks off only one of the allotted 5 seconds when Barry responds: ]

Barry:  NO!  I have never . . .

[ Ed smacks Barry on the head, really hard. ]



Announcer:  Let them finish answering before you respond, Ed.  Go on, Mayor.

Barry:  I have never lied or been hypocritical about my drug use or drug use in

Announcer:  Sorry, but that is wrong.  Now you can hit him, Ed.

Barry: That's not fair!

[ Ed swings, and THUD! A good blow to the body. ]

Barry:  OOOph.

Announcer:  Our next question is for President Bush:
    Was Noriega instructed to smuggle drugs for the CIA?

[ Bush thinks a while, as the clock ticks away.  TIC TIC TIC.  He jumps in
  at the last second---]

Bush:  No, the CIA is an upstanding organization that has had no relations
  with drug smuggling OR Noriega.

Announcer:  Wrong!  Get him ED!

Ed:  I like this!

[ Ed pulls back and lets Bush have it, right on the head. ]


Bush:  OW!  That thing HURTS!

Announcer:  Our last question in regular play is for Mr. Reagan:
    Did you ever do anything in your life that went against the Constitution
    of the United States, or the Bill of Rights, or done anything in general
    that might be considered treason?

[ Reagan appears to be dozing!  Meanwhile, the clock is ticking away.  Finally,
  the buzzer sounds, time is up. This buzzer awakens Reagan with a start. ]

Reagan:  I don't remember.

Announcer:  Sorry, but the answer was YES!  You have committed treason, and 
  should have been impeached!  Ed, make this your best shot!

[  Ed is obviously excited by this and is obviously putting everything he has
   into this shot, and it looks like another good one, right to the head! ]

THUDDDDD!   SSSSSssssssssssssss. . . .

[  It appears that Reagan's skull has cracked and is letting air escape! ]

Announcer:  Now for the bonus round.  In this round a question will be asked
  and the first person to answer correctly gets an all expenses paid trip
  to Hawaii.  The question is:
    When they are not putting on an act for the voting public, do 
    politicians have any morals?

Reagan, Bush and Barry (in unison):  YES!

[ Ed, knowing this is a wrong answer, gets all three.  THUNK!  THUNK!  THUNK!
  and jumps in to answer. . .]

Ed: NO!  Politicions have no morals!

Announcer:  That is RIGHT!  Ed wins the trip to Hawaii!  Tune in tomorrow
  when our contestants will be Richard Nixon, James Watt, and Alexander

[ Camera pans to applauding audience and blacks to commercial. ]

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: (Graham Wilson)
Subject: Musical Streetcar Chairs
Organization: CyberFluor Inc., Toronto, Ont.
Keywords: sexual, smirk

[This joke was making the rounds when I worked at the Bank of Montreal
 about six years ago.  I do not know the identity of the original author.]

A woman seven months pregnant got on a streetcar.  She sat opposite a
young man, who started to smile.  She moved to another seat and the young
man began to grin.  Feeling embarrassed she changed her seat and the
young man began to chuckle.  Again she changed her seat and the young man
laughed out loud.  Slightly insulted she complained to the conductor, who
in turn had the young man arrested.

The case came up in court the next day.

The judge asked the young man if he had anything to say.

"Well your honor," the young man said. "it's this way:  When the lady entered
 the streetcar, her condition was apparent, which in itself was not funny.
 She sat under the sign ``The Goldust Twins are Coming'' and I had to smile.
 Then she sat under the sign ``Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling''
 and I had to grin.  She moved again under the sign ``William's Stick Did It''
 and I had to chuckle.  But your honor, when she sat under the sign
 ``Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented this Accident'' I simply could not
 control myself!"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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