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Tabloid ad parody

danzig@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (David Danzig)

(original, funny)

I wrote this and submitted it to my school's humor magazine (Punch Bowl), where it was published. I thought I'd share it with the net. It is a parody of tabloid newspaper advertisements. Enjoy

--David

ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT

AMAZING SECRET

Hi! My name is David Danzig! Not long ago, I was penniless! I had no friends! I had nothing to live for! I had climbed to the roof of a very tall building in scenic downtown Philadelphia, and was about to do myself in, when I discovered the AMAZING SECRET that CHANGED MY LIFE!!

MONEY! FAME! HAPPINESS!!!!!

Today, I am one of the world's richest men! I am internationally celebrated as one of the world's most popular human beings! I live an exciting, fulfilling life, AND ALL BECAUSE OF MY AMAZING SECRET!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS THIS SECRET?

Just what is this amazing secret? I swore to myself that I would never reveal the source of my INCREDIBLE SECRET, but I can share the secret with you. Since I am so FANTASTICALLY rich, I can give you my WONDERFUL secret ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY?

Why would I make this offer? When you see how REMARKABLE and AMAZING this FREE secret is, I am confident that you will feel indebted to me, and volunteer gifts! If not, then keep the secret with no obligation! It's that easy!!! You have NOTHING to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST LOOK WHAT PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN

ABOUT THIS AMAZING SECRET!

Just look what people have written about this AMAZING secret!

AMAZED AND ASTOUNDED

I am AMAZED and ASTOUNDED by your secret! --John P., Philadelphia, PA

INCREDIBLE

Your secret is simply INCREDIBLE! --Roger S., Durham, NC

TURNED LIFE AROUND

Your AMAZING secret TURNED MY LIFE AROUND!!!! --Bryan S., Berkeley, CA

SHOULD BE ILLEGAL

Your secret is so AMAZING and ASTOUNDING, why, it OUGHT TO BE ILLEGAL to be as well off as I am. I'm RECOMMENDING your FABULOUS secret to everyone I know. --Stella J., Ithaca, NY

IS ILLEGAL

The results of our INVESTIGATION have determined that your activities ARE ILLEGAL. Your secret is WORTHLESS, and your advertisements constitute FRAUD. --Jason P., Postal Inspector's Office, Washington, D.C.

CRIMINAL CHARGES PRESSED

CRIMINAL CHARGES will be PRESSED against you under Pennsylvania Statute 417.02. You are ordered to appear with counsel on February 17. --Albert R., State Attorney General's Office, Harrisburg, PA

WHERE DO I SIGN?

To order this EXCITING, FREE 20 page booklet about this ASTOUNDING secret, simply send this coupon with $19.95 to defray postage and handling to:

          David Danzig #204941 
          Box 244 
          Graterford, PA 19426

[] YES, I MUST know this AMAZING secret! PLEASE send me ___ copies of your FREE booklet. Enclosed is $19.95 per copy for P&H!!! I can't wait until I get it! I hope it comes SOON, but I KNOW that I MUST allow THREE to SIX weeks for delivery! I hereby WAIVE any RIGHTS to LEGAL RECOURSE that I may have! I give my WARMEST PERSONAL REGARDS to MR. DANZIG and to his FAMILY AND FRIENDS, and VOICE my DESIRE to someday be one of those friends.

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