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Newsbriefs #3 (Steve Boswell)
(smirk, original)

I wrote these last year for our campus' humor paper. Some are UCSD specific,
some are offensive, and some are stupid. You have been warned.


     This edition of Newsbriefs is brought to you by the makers of Forger's,
the coffee preferred 2 to 1 by leading counterfeiters. In the news this week:
     Residents of many Central California cities jammed National Weather
Bureau phone lines, claiming there was a downpour of acid rain. The NWB, not
knowing of any such storm pattern, did some research and learned the source of
the foul-smelling torrent was Sacramento. Apparently, a farmer from Lancaster
called his senator, declaring he might have seen one or two Medflies, and
malathion spraying commenced. A spokesperson for the state government said he
expected the spraying to continue until the end of the week, while Lancaster
reported a sprayfall of 3 inches in the first 24 hours alone.

     The U.C. Regents suspended the publication of the Guardian before
conducting an investigation of charges made by the Committee For Non-Lethal
Media, a small, vociferous, pesky little student action group. According to
the CFNLM, four students died and three went into comas after reading the last
issue of the Guardian, overwhelmed by the dreadfully dull articles and the
endless ads. A spokesperson for the paper said the charges were "totally
preposterous, utterly baseless, and just plain not so," and if the CFNLM does
not retract its statement, threatened to "send the Big Bad Rabbit to their
house, and scratch, scratch, scratch their doors down."

     The White House announced that President Bush has begun hearings to
decide what direction the federal government will take. The Oval Office is
recommending more spending on defense, the State Dining Room wants the
homeless to be fed, the Jacqueline Kennedy Garden - Rose Garden coalition want
environmental issues to take first priority, and the Gold Room suggested
deficit reduction. The Cross Hall and the Red Room have yet to make a
statement, the Green Room is being repainted, and they hope to put new carpet
in the Executive Bedroom next week.

     West Germany annexed East Germany in the dead of last night, the
culmination of a six-month clandestine plot. According to an official German
news line released this morning, the Capitalists lulled the Communists into a
false sense of security by giving them large quantities of money, a good home,
and a steady job. Then, when the nation was snuggled in their warm beds, West
German troops tore down the Iron Curtain and overran all government buildings.
A spokesperson for the ousted East German government applauded the move,
saying the action has brought some variety into the daily lives of millions.
The Soviet Union has yet to respond, since no one has told them yet.

     Also in the news, Philip Huberty became the first person to cross the
Pacific Ocean in a 1965 Ford Mustang. His specially modified classic
automobile had a steel hull, ten first-class cabins, and a radar scanner. He
is with our U.C. Santa Cruz correspondent right now, which is unfortunate,
since we're all down here in San Diego.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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