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Newsbriefs #2 (Steve Boswell)
(original, smirk)

I wrote these for our campus humor paper before Christmas break. Some are UCSD specific, like our new rule banning "fighting words." Some were written before Romania revolted. And some might be offensive. Bearing that in mind...

The first arrest under the new "fighting words" policy was made. A reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate anyone claiming the world wasn't as kind and gentle as President Bush had officially declared it was.

The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress, calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both senators' and representatives' votes will be sold to the highest bidder. Already, most big businesses and many organized religions have applied for bidding privileges, gearing up to purchase votes for the bill that is now before Congress: whether to indict Senator Alan Cranston for ethics violations.

The FBI, using its new authority to arrest criminals around the world without the host country's consent, descended on Mexico last week. They arrested a Mexican national for possession of one joint, and under the America "zero tolerance" law, confiscated the entire country. President Salinas lashed out at the FBI's action, calling it an unjustifiable breach of international law, but an FBI spokesman told Salinas to shut up and finish scrubbing out the lavatory.

President Bush harshly denounced the Communist governments still holding out against reform. He criticized their violent suppression of political demonstrations and food riots, saying that police force should not be used to solve social problems. He stressed the importance of helping people to reform, rather than sentencing them to unprofitable incarceration. He then excused himself to attend a "War On Drugs" rally.

More news later from Koala News, UCSD's news leaders.

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