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Cereal Killers

jcj@apexepa.UUCP (John Juback)
(original, chuckle, offensive)

Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years, so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?

I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from Greenpeace marked, "Animal Rights Survey Inside--Please Complete and Return Within Ten Days."

Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:

Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more? Rudmans

Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily |requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.

Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to |make do with a box of Life.

Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.

Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing |bullets. Cereal doesn't kill people. People |kill people.

Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is |the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your |cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up |a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.

Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this |idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's |favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail |to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate |ayatollahs! Free "Death to America" decal inside!

In case you're wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far as I can tell, it's the only cereal named after a prime number.

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