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Backwoods fun

jon@joss.COM (Jon Singer)
Apple Computer Inc., Cupertino, CA
(topical, original, chuckle)

(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)

(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)

Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.


Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)

'menny Whut is it Where d'ya git it

1 1 inch cube of 90% Palladium any good hardware store with 10% Titanium should have it

1 4 inch length of gold wahr steal from yore sister's earrin's

5 gallons heavy water, with 10% steal frum Navy base DTO (th' "Jolt" version, or borry frum naybors. heh heh.)

1 cup Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, war surplus store USGummint #3039924057394XD

1 1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah hell, bild it, use pappy's arc welder, or whutever.

1 special currint reggalater bild it. (figger 3, end of chapter)

1 Kickass(tm) 8 week ain'tchoo gotta hardware timer or equiv'lint bin? Call up Bud's Scientific Splah. Don't let on whut it's for.

1 big moonshahn crock, with lid. c'mon, ya gotta know i where ta git basics!

Plus th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.

How d'ya do it, Joe?

Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr goin' to it. (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack, and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an' careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now. Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff and they ain't afraid ta use it.

So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th' Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.

Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th' shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th' place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap, which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o' the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th' bolts.

Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in, make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.

'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much, probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check, don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't go in ther atall.

This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin' out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.

Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?

Whut happen Whut ta do

ya hair falls out Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up in hanks close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an' take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E, an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in a spell.

red skin & funny spots same thing.

juice won't drop to shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap 10-15 amps tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!

no flash after 8 th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more weeks is gone bah weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit. Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th' tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!

Big wet spot ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th' crock leaks, fix it quick.

'lectrode turns brown probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can give it up, or start over.

runs hot only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good. If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater. Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk hell, take it from one that knows.

Y'all have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn, an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.

Yore Frend,


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