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Penthouse PET

tbetz@dasys1.UUCP (Tom Betz)
(highly sexual, chuckle, computer, puns)

The personal computer industry was rocked recently when Penthouse Magazine merged with Commodore Computers. The joint venture will introduce a new product, the Penthouse PET, billed as a "VERY personal computer designed to satisfy a variety of users' needs."

Planning a new line of velvet and satin software, the company's Times Square R&D facility is working on applications packages for the home entertainment market. One of the niftier applications is a word processing package called SLEAZY WRITER which can generate an almost infinite number of Penthouse Magazine Forum letters using a vocabulary of only fifty words. Other packages include Accounts Painable, Visi-Crotch, a Eunuchs Operating System, Electronic Male, and a graphics package featuring 200 different shades of pink. A user friendly language called VIRGIN will guide first timers every step of the way.

One of the main research thrusts is to develop a warm man-machine interface. According to Penthouse sources, erotica is simply an extension of ergonomics. The PET terminal has been designed with a ribbed exterior and comes in a variety of tropical colors. California publisher Blue Boy is offering an optional AC/DC power supply. A company spokesman also lauded the PET's portability. "With moisture resistant packaging, you can take your PET anywhere - you can go swimming with it, take it into the Jacuzzi, or even go to bed with it."

In addition, the Penthouse PET will be able to interface with the next generation of interactive video discs. Users will be able to pick from a wide variety of fantasies with the aid of a groan-activated selector. Of course the system comes with a joy stick as well.

For the party market, Penthouse has developed a Local Area Network called ORGYNET, which the company claims is a breakthrough in compatibility. With the ORGYNET input-output port, you can stick your plug right in. A cluster controller has also been designed to handle the interactive needs of up to four users at one time. Unlike other LANs which use a single coaxial cable, ORGYNET features a tangle of coax (OEM'd from Cox) and uses TSMA (tactile sense multiple access) to allow up to 69 users to interact with the system and each other simultaneously. Although Penthouse reports that ORGYNET can sustain prolonged interactive sessions, insiders report that the throughput peaks after about 30 seconds.

The PET will be distributed by Frederick's of Hollywood, local news stands, and Sears. Penthouse is also strong in service and maintenance; S&M will be handled by a nationwide fleet of vans equipped with a variety of whips, chains, and other tools.

The new generation of personal computers was totally anticipated by the Yankee Group consultants. From a limp beginning, the erotic information processing market has been rising in recent years and is now quite firm, although the recession has created some soft spots. Penthouse's strategy is to use its solid orders to enter the soft markets, jack up production when things get going, and pull out just before competitors come rising into the market.

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