For those of you who are cook-book field service types... --- From: rob@amber (Rob Adams x5527) SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourscent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION REQUIRED: See above. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION REQUIRED: Panic. SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)