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Announcing badnews

jsb@actnyc.UUCP (The Invisible Man)
(usenet, original, chuckle)

Announcing Badnews,(TM) a realistic approach to Usenet.

Why Badnews?

The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and actually creates obstacles for its user community. In practice, this inhibits no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved, leads to aggression. The time has come to give users what they really want.

Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software:

1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the 'cancel' command to the users own postings. Badnews fixes this problem.

2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines. Badnews supports arbitrarily large signatures. If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with such cute sayings as "flames >/dev/null" and the like.

3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included text. In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like "inews fodder."

4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to at least 4 newsgroups.

5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to intimidate the poster asking if they "really wanted to do this." Badnews will be more supportive and say "Thank you for sharing."

6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a 'Subject:' line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred from the article itself. Badnews eliminates this redundancy by automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant 'Subject:' such as "Help needed," "Posting," or "This line intentionally left blank."

New commands available

1) The 'Sue' command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of the currently read message.

2) The 'Expand' command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS, BMW, MES

3) The 'Suicide' command automatically deposits the users name in other users' kill files. In this interim release, this command is limited to adding your name to Ted Kaldis's kill file.

4) The 'Notify' command contacts powerful people associated with the currently read message. Current options include: notify employer, notify sysadmin, and notify the press.

5) The 'Sexchange' command automatically switches the genders in the message currently being read. The interim release limits this function to two genders.

New posting aids

Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before. In order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on common topics selected from a menu. Menus currently available will cover

1) Hoaxes/urban legends

2) Requests for money

3) Jokes about strings

4) Commonly asked questions (e.g. How do I get my current directory to print out in my prompt?)


6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above

7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above

Future enhancements will include:

1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty epithets) the author of any article being killed.

2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant.

3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons.

4) The 'Pull' command to pull another user's net account.

5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user.

6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above.

Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt.paranoid.

Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics

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