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Comedy Day Celebration Jokes (Art Harkin)

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.

Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).

These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:

Michael McShane

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

Sue Murphy

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"

Fred Reiss

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.

Jake Johansen

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Buzz Belmondo

It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before I give myself great pleasure....

Lank and Earl

Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.

Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?

Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 20,000 women.

Bruce Baum

I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whooa, I'm way too high."

Mark Pitta

I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is more difficult.

I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."

Mark Guido

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills.

Steve Kravitz

How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.

Jim Samuels

I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table.

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a Pinata.

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

Al Clethen

In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.' LA is a real strange place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.

Kevin Rooney

I have one of those real old American-built cars. The kind that just PUNCHES through accidents.

John ?????

You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."

Michael Prichard

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

Authors Unknown, but still funny

There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.

Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."

You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.

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