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Hotel Soap Nightmare

m1b@rayssd.RAY.COM (M. Joseph Barone)

By way of preface, this story was transmitted over the "Usenet"
of travel agencies.  I cannot vouch for its authenticity and
I haven't corrected any grammatical or typographical errors.
{ed Reportedly stolen from "A Hotel is a Place" by Shelly Berman }
Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different from
those you usually see.  It was submitted by a London hotel ... and ...
believe it or not, is true.

The hotel is a place... that gives free soap.

Dear Maid,
	Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
other three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.  Thank you,
					S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
	I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
ment is to leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.
					Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
	Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.  I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.  Please
remove them.
					S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
	My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
					Your regular maid,

Dear Mr. Berman,
	The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
					Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
	It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
					S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
	Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assis-
tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
					Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
	My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from
my room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
					S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
	I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience.
				Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
	Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.  Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
					S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
	You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed.  Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic].  I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your
maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
					Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
	Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.  As of today I possess:
	On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
	On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
	On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
	Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
	In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
	On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
	On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

	Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
					S. Berman

Joe Barone ---------------------------> m1b@rayssd.RAY.COM
{cbosgd, gatech, ihnp4, linus, mirror, uiucdcs}!rayssd!m1b
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity.  Thus are legends born!

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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