"You know, you look at the chaos in the conservative camp right now, it's only too tempting to blame it all on pot. But in fact, the Reagan revolution owes a lot to Reefer. For one thing, it's made the symptoms of senility socially acceptable." --A. Whitney Brown
"I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest." --A. Whitney Brown
"Political observers noted that Governor Mario Cuomo last week altered his position on running for the Presidency; he now says that if everyone in the world got down on their hands and knees and said, 'Please, Mario, Please, Please, Please be President!', then he would." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
"President Reagan, embarrassed by Ed Meese's incompetence in the Ginsburg nomination, verbally lambasted the Attorney General and his wife at a White House dinner earlier this week by shouting 'I hate the Meeses to pieces!'" --Dennis Miller, SNL News
"This Dec. 7th, the summit which will ban all medium-range nuclear missiles has already run into its first snag: The National Rifle Association has officially protested the treaty, and says its members will continue to own and carry nuclear missiles--but only for hunting and self-protection, of course." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
"Watch out, world! Here comes Ford!" Why, do the brakes suck? --Lisa Hunt
"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
"[New York] is the place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe--just maybe--you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train." --Dave Barry
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it" --Captain Combat
"A scarred psyche is like a used Pinto... you can't do anything with it." --David Addison
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back... and none of them would be complaining."
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical experiments instead of rats?
a) There are more lawyers than rats. b) The scientist's don't become as emotionally attached to them. c) There are some things that even rats won't do for money.
"In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leon this week that his favorite movie has always been `The Nutty Professor'." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
"Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has canceled `Our World', which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open up a chain of charm schools in Libya." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
TO THE CLASS OF 1987: "Unfortunately, a full 16% of you will be functionally illiterate. I'm afraid you'll have a hard row to hoe in the job market; after all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today." --A. Whitney Brown
"Since he's been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he's been shot.
And we, the American People, should always remember these things... because he won't." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
"The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other naked men; and that a neglected Tammy Fay had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collected Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a supreme higher power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, that these two creeps found each other." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Nov. 19th
White House spokesman Larry Speakes tries to clarify the Iran Arms deal further but no reporters show up because they're afraid they'll wet their pants laughing.
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--June 29th:
President Reagan announces that the SALT II treaty is "dead" and that he will continue to abide by it. White House press spokesman Larry Speakes clarifies this by explaining that the president "has no idea what he is saying."
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--June 14th:
Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school district for teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used to form dirty words.
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--May 10th:
The official Soviet news agency Tass releases a photograph of a city street scene, with the caption: "All is well as citizens of Chernobyl are resuming normal activities." Clearly visible in the background is the Vatican.
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Apr. 25th:
True Fact: The U.S. Government arrest 17 people for allegedly attempting to sell arms to Iran. This item will seem much funnier later on.
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Apr. 11th:
After aerial reconnaissance photographs reveal that Moammar el-Gadhafi is building a 375-foot-high middle finger near the highly strategic Gulf of Sidra, an angry President Reagan directs massive bombing raids against various site in Liberia. Worldwide reaction to the U.S. raids is mixed, the major criticism being that the president probably meant to attack Libya, which SOUNDS like "Liberia," but is actually a different country. U.S. polls show that 87% of Americans support the president and think they "probably would have made the same mistake."
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Mar. 20th:
Kurt Waldheim issues a statement claiming that he missed World War II because of "car trouble."
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Mar. 6th:
In the Middle East, Iraq uses up all its young men and has to borrow some from Iran so they can keep having a war.
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Feb. 20th:
President Reagan visits the island of Grenada to commemorate the U.S. victory over communist Cuban troops armed with sophisticated construction equipment. Thousands of cheering Grenadans turn out to watch Air Force One gracefully touch down, then swoop back up into the sky because Grenada is too short for an actual landing.
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review"--Feb. 17th:
Under the careful scrutiny of crack State Department observers, Filipino voters re-elect President Ferdinand Marcos by more than 600 billion votes. Marcos, in a conciliatory mood, calls for "a time of healing," followed by "a time of giving people powerful electrical shocks in their private parts."
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness." --Steve Martin
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway.
"President Reagan has advised the youth of America that it is a good idea to practice total abstinence from sex. And that is a good suggestion, Mr. President... now tell it to the Marines." --Mark Russell
"In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." --Dennis Miller, SNL News
"What IS a `moderate Iranian', anyway? Someone who takes hostages but doesn't eat them?" --Mark Russell
"You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." --Robin Williams
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy." --Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." --Woody Allen
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your mistress."
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." --Woody Allen
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world." --David Letterman
"Tourists--have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." --David Letterman
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial." --David Letterman
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." --David Letterman
"In an interview today with US NEWS & WORLD REPORT this week, Secretary of State George Schultz was asked what he considered his proudest accomplishment. He said, "Winning the office pools on Andropov and Chernenko." --David Letterman
"Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said, "Gimme a quarter?" --David Letterman
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." --David Letterman
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." --David Letterman
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public" --David Letterman