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In a desperate attempt to win release from prison today, Paris Hilton threatened to clean up her act. The announcement immediately sent shockwaves throughout the media.

"I used to act dumb--it was an act," she said. "I am 26 years old and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. God has given me this new chance."

Editors of People Magazine and TMZ.com discounted the statement as a bargaining ploy, and producers of The Simple Life at Fox TV hastened to reassure the public that future episodes of the show would go on as originally scheduled. God could not be reached for comment.

National news organizations, which have come to depend heavily in recent days on the socialite and her adventures for the type of "human interest" stories that maintain their audience, had little to say on the matter. But inside sources indicated that a quiet search was underway for a replacement, should the unthinkable ever become necessary.

The announcement could not come at a worse time. The entertainment media is reeling from a series of setbacks, as star after star has "matured," either entering drug rehab, adopting children or embarking on apparently stable relationships. "Rosie O'Donnell can't carry this all by herself," a news exec was heard to remark.

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