Prague - The international committee of astronomers decided this week to remove Pluto from the list of planets. A spokesman released this statement, "We're awfully sorry to have to let Pluto go, but this restructuring is necessary to move this solar system forward. We've got to tighten our asteroid belt and make difficult decisions. We've really enjoyed working with Pluto in the past and wish it no ill will. We look on this event as a great opportunity to revitalize our system."
Behind the scenes however, things were reportedly more heated. Rumors abound that Pluto orbited slower than other planets, often appearing sluggish and possibly intoxicated. Some have reportedly complained about off color jokes directed at Uranus. Lawsuits by several asteroids demanding inclusion in the solar system reportedly also motivated the committee to take a hard line on planet definition. An original plan to use the world "Pluton" was rejected by their lawyers as demeaning and discriminatory.
Others have defended Pluto, claiming the decision to downsize was based on unjust discrimination. One anonymous insider claimed, "It's a new solar system, and if you're not wearing rings, or you're too small, you're just not flashy enough for the kids today. Besides, the committee was always uncomfortable with the attraction between Pluto and its long-term partner, Charon. It's just prejudice I tell you."
Pluto's press agent released this statement, "While Pluto is saddened by this turn of events, it's not bitter, rather Pluto looks on this as an oportunity to explore new and exciting projects."
[Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com) Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.]