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As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair has instituted a new series of tests that any applicant for British citizenship must pass:

- The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat clearing.

- The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed).

- The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat.

- The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first.

- The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they've pretty much been a bunch of losers.

- The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700's.

- The ability to colour in red those bits of the globe that still should properly belong to Britain (extra credit if the United States is included).

And finally

- The ability to utter the phrase "British Way of Life" without cracking even the hint of a smile.

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