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More from the True News Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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>From: (Fraser McCrossan)
>Subject: Antiquated joke (true)

Heard last night on the US edition of "Antiques Roadshow":

A member of the public is standing before the large wooden box she has brought for examination. The expert looks up at her and says, "Tell us about your chest."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Robert Palasek)
>Organization: @Home Network
>Subject: Ruffled feathers

An article in this morning's Tri-Valley Herald (Pleasanton, California) described recent activities of the National Audubon Society to build support for restoring 100,000 acres of wetlands in the San Francisco bay.

Some local activists who have been championing this issue for 40 years fret that the Audubon Society will sweep in, siphon away grants and supporters, and then claim credit for a job already underway and showing signs of success.

The Audubon society president's name is John Flicker.

The name of Audubon's San Francisco bay restoration program director is Debbie Drake.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jeff Spirko)
>Subject: True Headline

Today on, the following headline appeared:

Tiny rock around Uranus denied moon status

= = = = = = =
>From: (Bob Morris)
>Subject: Quotation from CNN talking head

Actual quotation from a commentator on CNN who may not have been thinking about what he was saying:

"The United Nations peacekeeping force could hamper the war effort."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Tim Dugan)
>Subject: Random Results

Actual symptom for a bug in the Microsoft Knowledge Base (

"SYMPTOMS Using the RAND() in an SQL UPDATE's WHERE clause can cause random results to occur."

What's going to happen when the bug is fixed?

= = = = = = =
>From: MScroggs@CCAD.ARMY.MIL (Scroggs Michael D)

On Ocean Drive in Corpus Christi, Texas, there is a sign on an intersection pole that states "TO CROSS OCEAN, PUSH BUTTON."

And to think , all these years I've been wasting money on cruise ships!

= = = = = = =
>From: [original sender information lost]
>Organization: The Cat & Dragon
>Subject: Yes, but what do I do?

Seen on a large square yellow sign with big black letters (Alameda de las Pulgas in Redwood City, CA):


= = = = = = =
>From: (Corey Cossentino)
>Subject: This accident has been brought to you by...

Heard on a local radio station yesterday, during the traffic report:

"We have a car fire on 270 northbound this time, brought to you by McDonald's..."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Amanda Stent)
>Subject: join the universe

My workplace just got a new employee records interface called SOLAR. Consequently, employees have received a letter with the following label:

Your solar system login information is enclosed

= = = = = = =
>From: (Rhonda)
>Subject: Hey, I'm an animal!

Disclaimer: No animals have been used in the testing of these webpages. Any adverse effects of this website are restricted to humans.

Found this on the website of Paris (Texas) Junior College.

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Unclear On The Concept?

Heard last Sunday on CNN:

"Another suicide bomber blew himself up in a busy Jerusalem intersection today. No one was injured."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Henry Fessler)
>Subject: How low can they go?

The headline, "Pope denounces grave sex scandal," made me blanch. Then I realized "grave" was an adjective, not a noun.

= = = = = = =
>From: (David Spencer)
>Subject: Well, where else?

The local movie theater marquee reads:


= = = = = = = >From: >Subject: Different kind of Burma Shave

I was driving through Chattanooga a while back, and two business signs beside the road but some some distance apart happened to come into alignment, one above the other. This made them appear (at first glance) to be a single big sign.

 The top sign read: 



and the lower sign read:


= = = = = = = >From: (Hank Graham) >Subject: An alternative

Last week in downtown Seattle, someone found an alternative to the old standard of "Wash me," to grafitti on a mud-splattered van. Instead, the van carried these words: "ALSO AVAILABLE IN WHITE."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jason Crawford)
>Subject: What do I get for $5?

True story:

NY bums are starting to cater to their market... I just saw one with a sign that said, "TELL ME OFF, $1.00."

= = = = = = =
>From: (l moustakas)
>Subject: Schizophrenia: medical breakthrough

The New York Times reported today that "Schizophrenia May Be Tied to 2 Genes, Research Finds."

Well, duh.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Carol Botteron)
>Subject: Optical Shop Sign

For the "We know what you're trying to say, but ..." department-- Coolidge Corner Opticians in Brookline, Mass., has this sign:


"It's almost perfect, but this crack should be a little longer."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Eric Ewanco)
>Subject: In the "unclear on the concept" department ...

Sign in front of restaurant in Framingham, MA:

   Order to go from the Internet 
   Call for details 555-1234 

= = = = = = = >From: (cheryl haaker) >Subject: The Support of Scientists

Los Alamos, New Mexico (birthplace of the nuclear bomb) is George Bush country--you betcha! I was up there the other day and saw a bumper sticker that read:

"I (heart) Big Brother"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jim)
>Subject: Not the brightest crayon in the box!

I was in a male public toilet the other day and one particular piece of graffiti stood out:

"17 year old guy wants girl to fuck. Meet me here."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Cynthia Virtue)
>Organization: Medieval Hats:
>Subject: Alf rides again

There's an advert for a long distance telephone number which stars Alf, the "alien" from the series which ran in the 80s. He complains as they set up the spiel, "There aren't any worms on this buffet!"

At the bottom of the screen, the small print reads: "Not available in all areas."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Ben Cline)
>Subject: Arrested for being stupid

I was reading the CNN ticker when I read a small story that I found interesting. A passenger on a commercial airliner turned to the man next to him and said, "I'm an undercover air marshal." He was arrested because the man he made the declaration to was a *real* undercover air marshal.

= = = = = = =
>From: (forgotten)
>Subject: Antidote?

My godmother was telling the story of a letter she received from a friend, requesting a recipe for the "Like Mom Made" cookbook the friend's nonprofit was going to put out for Mother's Day. At the bottom of the letter was a summary of what was required for submission:

Send us your mother's favorite recipe, and if possible any antidotes that go along with it.

I think they meant anecdotes...

= = = = = = =
>From: stacy@Millions.Ca (Stacy Millions)
>Organization: Millions Consulting Limited
>Subject: ESL on the net

Seen on a mailing list.

>Sorry for the poor English, but it is not my naive language.

= = = = = = =
>Subject: You can't get there from here!

This morning, November 30, 2002 a Columbus Ohio newspaper ran a story about a library in Ohio that cannot access its own website. It seems the library was named after a prominent businessman in the town who had donated generously to the library.

His name was Leo Flesh. The library installed NetNanny to block porn sites, and it won't let library computers go to the library's website because it is

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Politically Correct Motor Insurance

My bank today sent me a flyer for their motoring insurance. The 2 page document deals with nothing else, and is full of information on how much I would save and how much better service I could get by dumping my existing insurer and going with them.

Right at the end I read: If you would like a Braille version of this document.......

= = = = = = =
>From: (Captain Chlorophyll)
>Subject: Uninterruptable

I work on a college campus and subscribe to the daily news postings by e-mail. This notice arrived in my inbox today.

> We had a campus wide network outage from 11:59AM -12:12 PM today. It
> was caused by a faulty power cable into our uninterruptable power
> system in the network machine room.

Uninterruptable, huh?

= = = = = = =
>From: (Shane Mooney)
>Subject: NASA Comet

On the MSNBC website, a sidebar listing other Space-related news inadvertently mocked the recent shuttle tragedy:

Space News

 Space shuttle crashes on reentry NEAT new comet to look for 

= = = = = = = >From: (jenifer jenkins) >Subject: And what does he call dumping them into the lake?

Georgia crematory operator Ray Brent Marsh, who has been charged with 338 counts of theft by deception and 64 counts of abuse of a corpse after 339 bodies were found on his property last year, has sent a letter to the state of Georgia and several state and Walker County agencies notifying them that they might be sued.

One of the statements in the ante-litem letter contends the recovery of bodies was done unprofessionally by people who weren't trained.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Bob Barton)
>Subject: Photo Printer

True Story.

Christmas morning was at my in-law's this year. My sister-in-law (early 30s) got a nice color printer as a present. The brand will remain nameless, but the box was plastered with the phrase "Color Photo Printer." My sister-in-law looks it over for several minutes, reading all sides of the box and finally asks, "Does it print words too?"

I told her it would print a picture of words.

She said she'd kill me if she saw this on the net...

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jeffrey Turner)
>Subject: I Didn't Know People Needed Instructions

This was the first paragraph of a local story in today's paper.

The Police Department has obtained a training video on underage drinking that it plans to distribute to establishments that serve alcoholic beverages.

= = = = = = =
>From: (dan ritter)
>Subject: glad they don't stop

An ad in the January 29th San Francisco Chronicle

"Oakland to Hawaii. 3 nonstops daily."

I didn't know you could stop between Oakland and Hawaii.

>From: (Christin Keck) >Subject: So that's it!

On the website today (9-30-03) there was this headline:

"Devils honored at White House."

Explains a lot, doesn't it?

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Injuries

I saw this on a billboard the other day (I removed the names and such...)

Attorneys at Law

"Personal Injury...That's All We Do!"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Adam Engelhart)
>Subject: Now that's a long walk . . .

Sign near a department store escalator in Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA:


I don't normally take my passport with me when I'm shopping; I'll take my chances with the escalator, thank you very much.

= = = = = = =
>From: (David Lesher)
>Subject: Unclear on the concept


Nightline had a piece tonight on a Marine infantry unit.

When they shipped out to the Middle East, they were not allowed knives on the chartered aircraft.

However, assault rifles and grenade launchers were OK.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Michael Smith)
>Subject: Toilet Paper Gun - original

I saw this on the CNN web-site this morning (Feb 9, 2004):

A prison inmate who escaped by brandishing a fake gun made of toilet
paper, tape and black ink was captured four days later after a
gunfight with police on a busy Omaha street.

No one was injured in the shootout Saturday, police said.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jim)
>Subject: Classifieds - Complete?

Classified in the 2/18/2004 edition of The Mint Hill Post (NC):

'85 Mustang mini stock race car complete less engine and transmission.

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