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ntlworld News Service
(funny, scatological, sexual, swearing, offensive, heard it)

Beer Coat:
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3 in the morning. Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures
your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too
drunk to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've
come from.

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Bone of Contention:
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is
watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Aussie Kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Breaking the Seal:
Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cider Visor:
Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

1-handed reading material.

The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in
the morning to get to the toilet quick.

The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass:
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's
Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing
a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy:
or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On:
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles:
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a

Going For a McShit:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit
With Lies.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat:
A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft:
or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in
fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes:
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath:
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa! Aa!"

Mystery Bus:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in
your bed instead.

No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The
opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail:
or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper:
or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their
head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger:
A lesbian.

Wank Seance:
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being
watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

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