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The True Inauguration Speech of George W. Bush

ihr.name@strg-alt-entf.org (Ralph Angenendt)
None one should speak of
(chuckle, forwarded, heard it)

Mr. Speaker, Chief Savior Rehnquist, President Ford, President Clinton, President Cheney, His Highness Trent Lott, Consigliere Baker, Poppy and Mommy, distinguished guests and fellow citizens:

This is a truly great day for our beloved American democracy. I stand before you today as proof that our system works, that the right votes was counted, and that the will of the people has been willed. And in the spirit of the new bipartisanship, my gracious opponent has agreed never to phone me again My fellow citizens, I think we can all agree that not only is the past over, this is also the dawn of a new error.

As I take the oath of office today, I do so with the belief that finality has finally happened, an idea that I'm sure will resignate with all the people.

Whether it resignates with me doesn't really matter because, as your president, I will stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is, is hearing the voices of the people who work.

I have always trusted the people: the people who build those pipelines in Alaska, the people who pump the gas in our service stations, the CEOs who run our great oil companies---just plain folks.

Let me say it again: I trust the people. I am a person, too, and persons is people, so I am asking you all for your trust in me, the people. Trust that my administration and me will lead the American people out of the last chapter of the 20th century, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. In our nation, life is important, and that includes unborn babies, babies that is already born, and all those poor children living in the dark dungeons of the Internet. And surely it is now time to answer the question: will the highways on the Internet become more few?

You know, my friends, I love my family and I love my dog Spot, because families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. Every morning when I wake up, I look at the First Lady in her lime green jammies and I say to her, I say, "Laura. See. See Spot. See Spot run." And then, after some grits n'eggs, I say to Laura, "Dick. See Dick. See Dick run the presidency." I trust Spot and I trust Dick.

A sizable minority of you chose me to be your next president. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes. I will prove to all Americans, including all the folks that misunderestimated me, that our priorities is our faith, and that human beings and fish can co-exist. One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise about that which is expected, and so I say to my fellow Americans, let us join hands to make the pie higher. As your president, I will never take the high horse and claim the low road, no way. And just as Social Security is not a Federal program, under I the presidency will also not be part of the government.

I am bringing in a group of men and women who is focused on what's best for America, honest men and honest women, decent men and decent women, who will service to our country and who will not stain the house. These folks and me will work together to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class; in fact, we'll knock down the tollbooth.

As your president, I will dare to answer the question that no one dares to ask: is our children learning? I will not tolerate the subsidation of failure or any system that simply suckles kids through. I do understand reality and I want ever child in this country to understand reality. It is my hope to be remembered as the Education President, the president who helped to create a more literate country and a hopefuller country. After all, reading is the basics of all learning.

The first piece of legislation I am proposing to the Congress---tomorrow, in fact---is a bill that will deregulate all agreements between nouns and verbs. Also proposing a bill called Death to Pronouns. No need for them pesky little suckers, so I say either get rid of them or fool folks by using the wrong ones. One language is all we need in America, and the way folks talk in West Texas is plenty good enough for the rest of us.

As y'all know, I'm calling for a big reduction in taxes, because a tax cut is one of the best anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness. Folks who earn money ought to be able to keep it. Said to Bill Gates just the other day, "It's your money: you paid for it." But I care about the little guy, too. I know how hard it is to put food on your family.

With some good advice from The General, I'm fixin' to have a foreign-handed foreign policy, specially since more and more of our imports come from overseas. I don't want nations feeling like they can bully ourselves, and we'll build a huge ballistic missile defense system so that terriers and rogue nations will never hold us hostile. This new defense system has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. Trust me on this one. When I was coming up, when Poppy was in the White House, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who they are, but we know they are there.

No way I'm going to cufflink our great military establishment. Give 'em what they ask for, I say, so that our nuclear capabilities are commiserate with keeping the peace. But we're not going to go bopping around the globe every time some folks get into a scrap. We'll be quite prepared to say, "It ain't our dog fight." The cornerstone of this administration's foreign policy will be: "No entangling dalliances."

And yet my friends, and yet America will always continue to meet its globular responsibilities. I have directed The General (whom, by the way, grew up in the Bronx and became a real war hero) to maintain good relations with the Grecians, the Kosovovians, and of course the East Timorians, all of which is among our closest allies. I will also work hard to get rid of all berrifs and terriers so that folks everywhere can earn a living and pass their wealth on to their kinfolk.

Finally---and finally there is finality---I want to say that I intend to be the president of all Americans: white folks, black folks, brown folks, and Oriental folks. A leadership is someone who brings all the people together, and I will make every effort to be a good leadership to every citizen. I do believe, however, that quotas is bad for America; it's not the way America is all about. On the other hand, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate quotas, I think they vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position. And if affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it.

Fellow Americans, just like Poppy, I've got a vision thing, too. There's way too many Vulcans running around on our streets, so I propose a chicken in every pot, three guns in every house, and a good Christian prayer said at every high school football game.

As we move, then, into this magnificent dawn of a new error, I will quote, in the spirit of true bipartisanship, what that great Democratic president, R.F.D., said in his inaugural address: "The only thing we have to fret about is fretting itself."

In conclusion, may I ask us all to bow our heads and give a special prayer of thanks to the folks on the U.S. Supreme Court, the ones who had the Right Stuff to vote the Right Way for the Right Person. Thank you and God Bless America!


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