Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash.--Oct. 21, 1997--In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corporation announced today it will be acquiring the Federal Government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our growth," said Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. "It's a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing at the Oval Office with US President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes to US Government policy will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corp. An initial public offering is planned for July 4 of next year, and the Federal Government is expected to be profitable by 1999, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, President Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as vice president of USA Operations with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that US citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence."
In his new role at Microsoft, Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he currently earns as US president. Gates dismissed a rumor that the US Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly," though he did say he would make executive decisions for the US government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates did say, however, that the US House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," Gates said, "yet look how well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates would only say that Microsoft doesn't comment on unannounced products.
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services, discounts on all Microsoft products, and the immediate arrest of all executive officials of Sun Microsystems Inc. and Netscape Corp.
About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and mostly free society every day.
About the United States Founded in 1776, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, DC, the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
[Making the rounds via email, the string that got to me started at Legato Systems with a Dennis K. Fukuyama <email@example.com>...]