The following digest contains various Iraq jokes that did not quite rate their own posting. Be warned that many of these are sick, particularly if you're of the "the war is serious and can't possibly be funny" persuasion. Some are pretty nasty, possibly racist.
To the tune of "Addicted to Love"
Attacking planes, incoming strafes, No one knows, how much he'll take. For U.S. oil, the pilots ride, The sanctions failed, but hey we tried. Hussein's a twit, he's gotta know, Shamir'll launch, a Jericho. It's all been planned, but lips are sealed, I wonder why, he didn't deal!
Oh, you like 'em whether they're a pain or a bluff, oh yeah...
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough, You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to SCUDs!
Bush has it backwards--abortion is surgical; bombing is murder.
( This is original and topical )
How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to screw in the light bulb.
One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs.
One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs.
And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestinians.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.
The international identifier for the radio station "Voice of Peace, Iraq" is L.I.E.
No need to worry about financing THE WAR.
The Allied Air Forces are going to win the grand prize on the television program, America's Best Home Videos.
I made this one up:
A conversation between a U.S. Official and an Iraqi Official:
U.S. Off: Your treatment of POWs is against the Geneva Convention. This is a war crime.
Iraqi Off: I agree. What are you going to do? Bomb Baghdad?
(I don't think personal opinions about the war have any effect on the bizarreness of the juxtaposition of these stories.)
People the world over have expressed outrage at Iraq's treatment of Allied pilot prisoners of war, in violation of the Geneva Conventions.
Iraq has in turn expressed its disappointment at the fact that the Allied forces have been bombing the crap out of their country continuously since January 15th.
I received this particular message in my mail account a couple of days back, and thought it was rather funny. I hope the rest of you find it as amusing. --PH
'Twas the night before Desert-Storm and all through Iraq Not a weapon was stirring not even a track.
When up, in the air, there arose such a clatter Saddam jumped from bed to see what was the matter.
He whipped up the window, threw open the sash-- And was narrowly missed by Iraqi ack-ack!
And what before his bloodshot eyes should ensue, But an attack by Eagles, and some Tornadoes too.
In nap-of-the-earth the fighters they came. They bombed as they went, and they kicked ass by name!
"Hey Mohammed! Hey Abdullah! Hey Terik-the-sleaze! Here's a Maverick, some Snakeyes, napalm if you please!"
Missile batteries, command posts, the pilots zapped them with ease-- "Who said this was tough? With Pave Tack it's a breeze!"
Then to the palace they turned and they let their bombs fly All the while screaming "Death from the sky!"
One bomb, it was targeted down the chimney and flue-- Not a mean feat with a Mark Eighty-two!
The windows, they shattered the chimney, it fell And Saddam cleaned his trousers while the bombers raised hell.
The aircrews yelled back as they streaked out of sight, "If it makes you feel better we'll be bombing all night!"
News Update - UNIX wars
The Open Software Foundation has now tested its first product for the third world computer user -
Software for Computers Unfashionable & Discardable
Following OSF philosophy, the outdated SCUD isn't aimed at anything in particular, seldom hits a target, and is really just a terrorist weapon.
My boss Pete Sessions' comment on the early performances of the Patriot missile:
"It opened to rave reviews in Riyadh, but it bombed in Tel Aviv."
The press is continually referring to this as a "War." This is not accurate, for two reasons:
(1) War was never declared.
(2) A War is where two sides shoot at and affect heavy casualties on each other.
In light of this, "Turkey Shoot" would probably be more appropriate.
Iraq claims to have shot down around 170 aircraft. (Ours or theirs?)
The "shot heard 'round the gulf" was a bomb dropped on the Baghdad PT&T building, which was mistakenly identified in some reports as the AT&T building. This brings a whole new meaning to the term, "Reach out and touch someone."
Well, I guess we're not dealing with AT&T here.
Then again, considering AT&T's saturation advertising of the past several months, bombing the AT&T building is starting to sound like a real good idea.
Hussein's current complaint to the Allies is "the Allied planes are flying too high for the Iraqi anti-aircraft to shoot them down." (Awwww.)
The leading threat to Baghdad is anti-aircraft fire falling back down.
The SCUD that inflicted heavy casualties on Israel surprised everybody, including Saddam Hussein. He says that he was only trying to "disturb their sleep."
Israel is planning to retaliate to the SCUD missile attacks. However, they're having a hard time deciding how, since the Allies already took out all the good targets.
The Allies destroyed an Iraqi biological weapons plant, which Hussein claims was really a baby food plant. (The barbed wire and armed garrison made the Allies suspicious, of course.)
Actually, they're both right, considering that baby food is one of the primary materials used in the manufacture of biological weapons.
Those who don't believe this have obviously never changed a diaper.
These were heard on Cleveland's WMMS radio morning show Jan 25.
A: What is Iraq's national bird?
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
(Heard from a friend at a rather odd dinner party) (Cajun transliteration questionable - watch Ruffles commercials before reading)
My friend, he tell me, to end the war, you send Cajuns over and tell them t'ree t'ings.
1) Iraqis are out of season
2) The bag limit is 2
3) They good in Gumbo
This is another joke from the WVIC morning show:
What do you call an Iraqi with a camel AND a goat? Bisexual.
Saddam's latest move to drive the Allies from the Gulf is to announce that spotted owls have been found in Kuwait.
Baghdad residents are eagerly looking forward to the first few days of February. They will gather around what is left of the Presidential Palace to see if their leader emerges from his bunker. Unfortunately, predictions are he will see his shadow and return, bringing 6 more weeks of bombing.