I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune:
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive.
General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added:
"He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program."
Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests? Some look quite like a freak show... Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home?" Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots.
(Original joke by Tom Miller)
News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!
"We put on our pants the same way as everybody else. It's just that ours have shirts attached." --A US Navy fighter pilot on the mystique of his job.
Paraphrased from Time magazine, dated 2-4-91, without permission:
It is reported (in a certain Kuwaiti newspaper-in-exile currently published from Saudi Arabia) that Saddam Hussein has employed 50 astrologers to help him in planning the war.
Well, it worked for Ronald Reagan, didn't it?
The War in the Persian Gulf gives the opportunity for the first true UNIX holiday. In the tradition of VE Day (May 7, 1945) and VJ Day (September 2, 1945), if the Allies beat Iraq, there will be a VI Day.
Has anyone else ever noticed the startling resemblance between U.S. General Norman Schwartzkopf and comedian Jonathan Winters? Have they ever been seen together?
This is original to me, and started as a response to an Oracle Question.
If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in The Man Who Knew Too Much, you should really make an effort. Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up. Here's the new version, updated for current events:
When I was just a little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be handsome, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me:
Hey Saddam, Saddam, Whatever will be will be But you're messing with Mean Marines, Hey Saddam, Saddam.
When I was just a boy in school I asked my teacher, what should I try? Should I try gassing, or making bombs? Here was her wise reply:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I grew up and joined the war, I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave? Will I kick asses, will I take names? Here's what he screamed and raved:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I sent troops into Kuwait The 19th Province I asked my Generals, how will we do? How long 'till victory is in our hands? These words they spoke were true:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
Now I have armies of my own They ask their leader will we survive? Down in the bunkers, Where the bombs fall, They know I'm still alive!
Hey Saddam, Saddam, I guess that we'll all know soon, 'Cause Norm has a plan for doom! Hey Saddam, Saddam What will be, will be.
(This is original.)
Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before detonating.
The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to the designer, "You want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No, no, no. Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of introduction, `A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or words to that effect. I'd say to him, `You realize that I'm carrying a half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well, it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance staff. I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology. If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could reach an amicable agreement.'"
I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong flavor of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe." There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.
For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is.
The Internet Jokebook|
Featuring the very best of netfunny.com on dead trees.