If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....

DementDJ@ccip.perkin-elmer.com (DementDJ)
From the rec.humor.funny joke archives.

I got this from an associate at work. _____________________________ Forward Header __________________________________ More fun stuff for the techno geeks among us. If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer..... Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: timfitz@mcs.net (Tim Fitzpatrick) Subject: OJ's Statements to Judge Ito Keywords: topical, chuckle Approved: funny-request@clari.net After months of silence, OJ finally spoke at the trial. His words to Judge Ito were.. "I did not, could not and would not have committed this crime. Seems with a little help from Dr. Suess and a bit more time, he and Judge Ito could have extended this statement: ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------- Ito's statemets in ALL CAPS... OJ's in lower case. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------- DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME? DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE? DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime. DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD? DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE? I did not leave a pool of blood. I can not even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime. I do not like green eggs and ham I do not like them Sam I Am Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: jekat@gsf.de (Astrid Jekat) Subject: If Dr Seuss wrote for Star Trek... Keywords: chuckle Approved: funny-request@clari.net I don't know if this has been around the net much but I couldn't stop laughing as I read it so I am forwarding it to the group. It was in all the Star Trek newsgroups, and I have no idea who wrote it. Qapla' Astrid If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation... Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...? Geordi: Yes, sir, we can. Picard: Then make it so! THE END

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