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More from the True News Digest (Funny Guy)

What follows are the latest entries in the true news file.  These are true-
life stories - signs sighted, cute anecdotes, and news reports, all of 
which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately.  I post
such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it.  Particularly
selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to
killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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From: (Daniel Mittleman)
Subject: Some people just can't erase those memories of Watergate...

    Reported from a friend who lives in Washington, DC...

"The ACLU here sent out a notice saying that in honor of the national
day of mourning for Richard Nixon their office would be closed for 18
1/2 minutes!"

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From: (Dave O'Shea)
Subject: Whose side are they on?

This morning's E-mail contained several messages about the implications
od Satan, a network probing tool due to be released on the Internet. The
one from Sun Microsystems makes me worry, though.

       Mailbox is '/usr/spool/mail/dos' with 45 messages [ELM 2.4 PL22]

     #   Date   Sender             Lines  Subject

     4   Apr 4  Mark Graff         (666)  Sun Security Bulletin #130

Couldn't make it 667 lines, could they?

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From: (Terry Morris)
Subject: Social Commentary

	We were very busy last week. My wife was preparing for a book-signing
and library convention, I was building the displays, and we were pulling 
together all of the paperwork for the annual income tax battle. As a result, 
the home office was full of boxes and stacks of paper -- promo flyers, books,
business receipts, and tax forms.

	In the middle of all the confusion, no one had let the dog out. He
walked into the office, sniffed at the boxes, then raised his leg for a 
direct hit on the completed tax forms. At that point I was torn. Should I 
whack him with a paper and yell at him, or should I just tell him to move 
over and give me a chance at them? In any event, if we are selected for an 
audit, it should be entertaining. 

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From: (Raymond L. Gilbert)
Subject: can they add?

Seen on CNN's Headline News, April 13, 1995:

"The New York Metropolitan Museum of Art is celebrating its 125th
anniversary....Built in 1880, ..."

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From: (Denys Proteau)
Subject: 'Tis the Season

    A few days before Christmas my car broke down while I was driving on
a long trip to my parents' house.  The shaft that supports the valve
rockers was broken.  I was in a hurry to get my car repaired so I could
get home by Christmas, but none of the repairmen or dealers in town had
the correct replacement shaft in stock.  One dealer had a used engine
and offered to use that engine's rocker shaft to replace the broken one.
 He wasn't going to charge me for the used part, but the labor was going
to cost alot.  His exact words were:

  " 'Tis the Season, so we'll give you the shaft for free "

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From: (J.B. Legault)

Seen on the packaging of a Bic lighter:

Bic lighter with Child Guard! (Keep away from children).

Go figure... :)

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Subject: TV News knows how

     You could guess how an editor's mind works, if you caught the news 
     bulletin that went out on British TV a little while ago...
     "This device contains a computer which has sixteen pieces..."

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Subject: Double Take

 My wife told me of her experience in the grocery store while
 shopping with our twin 10 month old daughters:

   Patron:  "Are they twins?"

   Wife:    "Yes."

   Patron:  "Are they both yours?"

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From: (Roger Sinasohn)
Subject: That is not a toy!

The health insurance company that I'm working with has a closet near the 
lunchroom to store bottled water.  Mounted on the wall of this closet is a 
sledgehammer, a crowbar, and an axe.  This does not bother me.

What worries me is that someone felt they needed to post a sign indicating 
that they are "For Emergency Use Only."

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From: (Ian Chai)
Subject: Today's (6 Jan 1995) dumb robber story

Raymond Cuthbert walked into Nolan's Pharmacy in Vernon, BC, on
Thursday evening and boasted that he was returning in half an hour to
rob them.

True enough, about 30 minutes later, he returned with Robert Phimister
carrying a concealed hunting knife... into the waiting hands of the
Mounties! whom the drug store employees had called after his boast.

Mountie Hugh Menzies said, "I don't know why he did it; he's well known
to the local police."

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From: (Tim Antonsen)
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Fort Collins Site
Subject: Best poor choice of words to date

[ Article crossposted from sci.skeptic ]
[ Author was Chris Woodward (PSY) ]
[ Posted on 24 Jan 1995 18:24:14 GMT ]

Went to my local BookStop yesterday to see if Skeptical Inquirer
was out yet.  Next to it were all kinds of weenie New Age/Alternative
Religion magazines, one of which apparently had an article on romance
and palmistry (for Valentine's Day, no doubt).  The headline on the
front of the mag was:

   "Find Love in Your Palm."

I didn't look to see if the author was Joycelyn Elders.

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From: (Matt Hawley)
Subject: More signs

  I have seen these myself - honest!

  Business name on a truck spotted in New Haven, CT


  Sign seen in Hawaii

           DODO MORTUARY

  In Southeastern England there are 2 towns named Ham and Sandwich; of course
 there is a milage sign (I suppose it's now in Km)

           HAM        X
           SANDWICH   Y   (I don't remember the numbers)

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Darin McGrew)
Subject: How's that again?

The following are genuine excerpts from coupons from one of those
supermarket coupon books.  Someone was asleep at the wheel...

	$1.00 OFF!	+ Save up to $0.90
			+ Limit one per coupon

	$1.00 OFF!	+ Save up to $3.00
			+ Limit one per coupon

	$1.00 OFF!	+ Ice Cream, FROZEN

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From: (Rangarathnam Gopu)
Subject: How India has changed since the days of Indira Gandhi

There is a motley collection of secular parties called the National
Front attempting to form a governement in India. Though they usually
keep verbally sniping at each other, they recently elected a leader
unanimously. Referring to this, one of the leaders said:"We have shown
there is no cleavage in the Front."

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From: (Jason Price)
Subject: not quite what he meant to say...

On the ITV News at Ten here in the UK last night May 30th, there was a news
report concerning a new satellite project to investigate solar flares. The
reporter's closing statement was...

"some scientists think that the sun may have something to do with global

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Brendan Graham Collins)
Subject: They're selling *WHAT*?!?

Seen on a Canadian Billboard, advertising a skin lotion:

	"(Brand) Skin Lotion: Fabric Softener for your Birthday Suit"

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From: (David Rybolt)
Subject: Here Kitty Kitty

Seen in an ad for a duct cleaning service:

  'Maybe you just "thought" the cat run away...'

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From: jdybala@holly.ColoState.EDU (John Dybala)
Subject: Subliminal messages

Completely true story ...

Country-music station KUAD-FM in Windsor, Colorado, played Jo Dee Messina's 
new song for the first time today (Saturday, July 13). In the middle of 
the song, the station broke in with an Emergency Broadcast System report 
of a tornado warning in Weld County, Colorado. Then it returned to 
playing the song.

The name of the song is "You're Not In Kansas Anymore."

John Dybala, Colorado State University, Ft. Collins, CO 80523
My e-mail address is for use by friends and people wishing to
discuss the topic of this post. No unsolicited e-mail, please.

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From: (Jeff Spirko)
Subject: For sale ad.

Seen in a newspaper near Scranton, PA:

  Wench for sale!  Complete with 30 feet of chain.

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Angela Roberge)
Subject: Small - minded

Article published in July 13, 1996 Vancouver Sun page F1. As taken from the
New York Times News Service.

Headline : Small - Minded

        Problems at the National Impotence Convention in Orlando. While
visiting Disney World, conventioneers violently protested the playing of
"It's a Small World After All."

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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