Requisite knowledge required: This reply template is designed for use in a VAXnotes (or "Notes") conference, but it's easily understandable to the Usenet community. If you know about VAXnotes conferencing, you can skip the rest of this paragraph. For those whose sites have declined to purchase this excellent package from our fine company, it is a kind of like a combination between Usenet newsgroups and thread-based BBS systems.
It is a messaging system where messages (called "notes") are kept in a single indexed file (a "conference") on a central node and accessed via a client/server protocol by machines throughout the network. Notes are organized by numbered "topics," which consist of a "base note" and one or more numbered "replies," which are accessed hierarchically (not in a flat address space like Usenet). Notes can be moved to different topic numbers or reply numbers, deleted, or set hidden ("/HIDDEN"), and topics can be locked against further replies ("/NOWRITE"). !
Posters often use cute "personal names" which follow their email address in the note header (virtually no one uses their real name; usually people use short, witty sayings, puns, or other phrases). Notes and replies are numbered incrementally; when these numbers reach a round number, it is popular to race to claim that number for one's topic or reply. This is called a "snarf." (For example, note 10000.0 might simply read, "** SNARF! **") Oh, and at least here in Digital, Notes is considered of superior quality to Usenet by many. Naturally, within Digital, Notes is very popular; we have a large number of various Notes conferences, which are used for both official and unofficial employee communication.
Without further ado, I introduce the humor.
STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM
I took exception to your recent ___ post to __________________. (conference) ___ email
It was (check all that apply):
___ lame. ___ stupid. ___ boring. ___ much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable.
Your attention is drawn to the fact that:
___ what you posted/said has been done before. (Mark only if above checked) ___ Not only that, it was also done better the last time. ___ your post/mail was a pathetic imitation of _____________________. (NOTES personality) ___ your post/mail was intended to be email/a post. ___ your post was obviously Moderator-bait. ___ your post referred to the conference as a Board, BBoard, BBS, newsgroup or Notesfile. ___ your post contained commercial advertising. THE FINE FOR THIS IS $20. Please remit immediately to: Digital Equipment Corp. Network Security & Standards Patrol 146 Main St. Maynard, MA 01754 or your posting privileges will be canceled. ___ your post/letter contained numerous spelling errors. (Mark only if above checked) ___ you deliberately misspelled 4 letter Anglo-Saxon words to slither the note past the moderators. ___ your post/letter contained "y"s substituted for random vowels. (Mark only if above checked) ___ which made it unintelligible. ___ your post/letter contained "q"s substituted for random "k"s, "c"s or "ck"s ___ you spell-checked but it obviously substituted incorrect word(s) with a similar sound/spelling for your misspelled word(s) rather than the correct spelling. ___ Feeble attempt at Dan Quayle humor. ___ your post/letter contained multiple grammatical errors. ___ your post/letter served no purpose other than correct spelling/grammatical errors of another note/letter. ___ YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!! ___ your post was a Garbage Note. (Mark only if above checked) ___ 100% USDA ___ CRAP (fancy CRAP, FREEWARE, Copyright (c) Northern Spy Software) ___ CRAP (just plain CRAP) ___ (picture of trash can) ___ all of the above. ___ your note was a "snarf." (Mark only if above checked) ___ and you got a number generally not considered "snarfable." (Mark only if above checked) ___ because you were too slow and missed by one. ___ you deliberately created replies solely to get a "snarf" number. (Mark only if above checked) ___ you still were too slow to get a "snarf"! ___ these replies contain more useful content than most of your other notes. (Mark only if above checked) ___ ...which is saying quite a bit since you deleted these replies. ___ you created a new topic that should have been a reply to another note. (Mark only if above checked) ___ Deliberately. ___ You don't know the difference between "Write" and "Reply." ___ You were too lazy to look for the existing note. (Mark only if above checked) ___ and you asked the moderators to find the note and move it there for you. ___ you created a new topic designed to generate replies and set it /NOWRITE. (Mark only if above checked) ___ you repeatedly set it /NOWRITE, after the moderators set it /WRITE. ___ you set your note /HIDDEN simply to arouse the curiosity of other noters. ___ 'Hit and Run' noting, you deleted your note after it generated several replies (Mark only if above checked) ___ ...which was a good thing because you really looked like a fool. ___ you created a new note and moved it to the 'hole' to make the replies look foolish. ___ you quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text. ___ you quoted an article in followup and only added the line "Me, too!!!" ___ you quoted an article/letter in followup and only added ___ lines of text. ___ you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]." (Mark only if above checked) ___ Without adding "<form of representation> at 11." ___ you asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group." ___ you flamed someone who has been around far longer than you. ___ you flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you. ___ your lines are 80 columns wide or wider. ___ you forgot which conference this was. ___ you have a lame login name. ___ your machine has a stupid name. ___ your attempt at a Notes/Mail Personal Name fell flat. (Mark only if above checked) ___ Painfully. ___ your name signed at the end contains silly extraneous punctuation. ___ your note contains a PGP signature. (Mark only if above checked) ___ that exceeds the length of the note itself. ___ the PGP fingerprint was just random hex digits anyway. ___ you included a USENET .sig . (Mark only if above checked) ___ your .sig is longer than four lines. (Mark only if above checked) ___ And your newsreader truncated it. ___ your .sig is wider than 80 columns. ___ your .sig is tabdamaged. ___ your .sig is longer than your included text. ___ your .sig is longer than the entire rest of your post. ___ your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply): ___ you listed ___ snail mail address(es). (Mark only if above checked) ___ you listed a nine-digit ZIP code. ___ you listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in prank calls. ___ you included a stupid disclaimer. (Mark only if above also) ___ your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed. (Mark only if above also) ___ Miserably. ___ you included: (Mark all that apply) ___ a stupid self-quote. ___ a stupid quote from a net.nobody. ___ a stupid quote from (Mark all that apply) ___ Rush Limbaugh. ___ Dan Quayle. ___ a rock band member. (Mark only if above also) ___ from Rush. ___ (one of) the United Stated Founding Father(s). ___ a reference to Beavis & Butthead. ___ lame ASCII fonts ___ lame ASCII graphic(s) (Choose all that apply): ___ USS Enterprise ___ Australia ___ The Amiga logo ___ Company logo (Mark only if above also) ___ and you stated that you don't speak for your employer. ___ Bicycle ___ Bart Simpson ___ Sword ___ Dinosaur ___ Cat/Dog (Mark only if above also) ___ plural ___ excessive misuse of punctuation marks, namely __________ ___ excessive whitespace
___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of ___________. (conference) ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net. ___ You are a loser. ___ You must have spent your entire life in a skinner box to be this clueless. ___ *plonk* ___ This has been pointed out to you before. ___ It is recommended that you: (Mark all that apply) ___ Go Away. Now. ___ stick to USENET and come back when you've grown up. ___ find a volcano and throw yourself in. ___ get a gun and shoot yourself. ___ stop reading Notes and get a life. ___ stop sending email and get a life. ___ get a clue (hey, they're cheap!) ___ consume excrement. ___ consume excrement and thus expire.