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More from the True News Digest

(smirk, swearing, sexual, computers, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are "this really happened" or "I saw this" jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

= = = = = = =
>From: cjl@qnet.com (Chris Linstruth)
>Subject: NT Error Message

From the real-world NT battlezone:

> I was having a problem with NT 4.0. Only a Microsoft OS could
> report the following:
>
>
> The Microsoft Exchange Information Store service depends on the
> Microsoft Exchange Directory service which failed to start because
> of the following error:
> The operation completed successfully.

= = = = = = =
>From: kentls001@worldnet.att.net (Kent Stoneking)
>Subject: Uneasy Rider?

Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by a motorcyclist in the Chicago
area:

IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
THE BITCH FELL OFF.

= = = = = = =
>From: poole@sol.csr.utexas.edu.nospam (Steve Poole)
>Organization: UT Center for Space Research, Austin TX
>Subject: Reigning cats and dogs

Seen on a T-shirt:

The difference between cats and dogs

A dog thinks "My owner loves me, feeds me, pets me, takes care of me.
He must be god."

A cat thinks "My owner loves me, feeds me, pets me, takes care of me.
I must be god."

= = = = = = =
>From: ahaines@indiana.edu (Anne Haines)
>Subject: Lost dog

Seen on a flyer posted in the Kroger supermarket in Bloomington, Indiana:

"LOST DOG. Datsun-Poodle mix."

I didn't have the heart to call and tell them they're called Nissans
now....

= = = = = = =
>From: rick.jones@moncton.org
>Subject: Not especially encouraging

While on the phone with Microsoft technical support yesterday, I was
put on hold. I was surprised when the song being played was a song
called "Lookin' for Answers That Nobody Knows."

= = = = = = =
>From: thelenc@bugsy.csis.gvsu.edu (Pit Boss)
>Organization: Grand Valley State University
>Subject: Oxford Union Society

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
shall be deemed to be a cat.

= = = = = = =
>From: dlindsey@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Dave)
>Subject: 1-800-BEELZEBUB

From the strange but true file:

Time-Life has a CD of contemporary Christian artists called
Songs 4 Him. This CD is being marketed on TV through a 1-800
number. The number is:

1-800-*666*-0880

= = = = = = =
>From: jim.oneil@gov.calgary.ab.ca (Jim O'Neil)
>Organization: The City of Calgary
>Subject: Speeding Fines

Sign on a Calgary street:

Speeding Fines
10 km over the limit.......$50
20 km over the limit.......$82
30 km over the limit......$117 (best bargain)

= = = = = = =
>From: tkavanag@indiana.edu (tkavanag)
>Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington
>Subject: Corrections

From the Bloomington, IN, Herald-Times, Oct 6, 1988:

"We made some mistakes in recent editions. Corrections follow:

*Sunday's Lifestyle story about Buddhism should have stated that
Siddartha Gautama grew up in Northern India, not Indiana.

= = = = = = =
>From: barish@ISI.EDU (Greg Barish)
>Organization: USC Information Sciences Institute
>Subject: The New Graffitti

Seen fingerpainted on an extremely dusty Honda CRX:

www.washme.com

= = = = = = =
>From: nebulosa@marmorata.vulpine.org (David Green)
>Subject: And my order arrives how?

I discovered the following warning on the flap of an envelope from a
catalog for a company that sells old coins and paper currency via mail
order:

"WE CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR CASH sent through the mail."

= = = = = = =
>From: santa@serv.net (Jeffrey Hitchin)
>Subject: How not to uninstall

I work for a software developer that sometimes has to use private
builds of the software (those not on the servers available to everybody)
to test new features before we inflict them on the rest of the company.

Well, this morning, the following e-mail crossed my desk:

"Hey, anybody have any trouble uninstalling using Bob's privates?"

= = = = = = =
>From: harttj@BELMONT.EDU (Tim Hart)
>Subject: Would you expect anything less from France?

Overheard this morning on NPR...

" ...France's linguistic watchdogs call Viagra's arrival a 'big blow' to
the nation"

= = = = = = =
>From: ianchard@sqf.hp.com (Ian Chard)
>Organization: Hewlett-Packard
>Subject: Synonymous with safety?

An extract from a recent AVWeb bulletin:

Despite the concern, FAA Administrator Jane Garvey cautions there is
no imminent danger from the insulation, an opinion echoed by Airline
Transport Association President Carol B. Hallett and Ron Hindenberger,
Boeing's director of air safety.

Doesn't it bother anyone that Boeing's director of safety is called
"Hindenberger"?

= = = = = = =
>From: JOEL_TAYLOR@HP-SantaClara-om2.om.hp.com
>Subject: Very Expensive Frequent Flyer Miles

Seen in 'The TRADER' (HP's internal classified sheet)

30,000 Frequent Flyer Miles: Needed for ticket upgrade, will exchange
child, pet or housesitting. (408)773-XXXX

= = = = = = =
>From: born@platinum.com (Christopher J. Born)
>Subject: Early Withdrawal?

YAHOO! News Headline:

"Paula Jones' Lawyers Will Pull Out After Appeal"

= = = = = = =
>From: Scottjf@eternal.net (Scott J. Friedman)
>Subject: Funny Bumper Sticker

Saw this on a car last night..

HOW'S MY DRIVING?
http://www.byte-me.com

= = = = = = =
>From: suhler@pollux.usc.edu (Paul A. Suhler)
>Organization: USC Advanced Computer Architecture Laboratory
>Subject: The Last Picture Show

Recently Corona del Mar's Port Theater closed when their lease was
cancelled. The last thing on their sign?

ROSEBUD

= = = = = = =
>From: abhidon@hotmail.com (Abhijit Muthiyan)
>Subject: Baby-sitter available...

This was one of the advertisements posted on the noticeboard of a
local Indian Grocery store :

Baby sitter available
* Kind, loving and caring
* Mother of three (including husband)
* ...

= = = = = = =
>From: jokemaster@jokecenter.com (JokeMaster)
>Organization: JokeCenter.com
>Subject: JokeCenter.com - Ten . . . to Live

A sign seen over the toilet paper dispenser in a military "latrine" (bathroom):

"Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper division."

[Copyright 1998 - JokeCenter.com and Imagine-NET Internet Services
http://www.jokecenter.com, http://www.imagine-net.com]

= = = = = = =
>From: yu146273@yorku.ca (Nicholas D. Toth)
>Subject: When the law is on your side...

A Reuters article on page E2 of the March 26th Toronto Star, detailing a
convict's successful appeal of his sentence, begins as follows:

"A man convicted of masturbating in public has recieved a helping hand
from a judge..."

Either the judge is far too close to his work, or the proofreader isn't.

= = = = = = =
>From: hillary@netaxs.com (hillary gorman)
>Subject: topical - followup to: Re: Religious Billboard

Seen on a billboard driving through Philadelphia, PA:

"I don't doubt your existence." -God

= = = = = = =
>From: bob@hobbes.dtcc.edu (Bob Rahe)
>Organization: Delaware Technical & Community College
>Subject: More Religious Billboard

>Seen on a billboard while driving through South Carolina:
>"Don't make me come down there." - God

There are a few in my area. Apparantly some anonymous guy thought some
up and bought space. Here's a few more I can remember:

If you keep taking my name in vain, I'll make rush hour last longer. -God

Which part of "thou shalt not" didn't you understand? -God

That part about "love your neighbor" - I meant it. -God

= = = = = = =
>From: cef@geodesic.com (Charles Fiterman)
>Subject: Message written in dust.

Message seen written in the dust
on a Lucent Technologies truck.

"Test dirt do not remove"

= = = = = = =
>From: jim_grady@hp.com (Jim Grady)
>Organization: Hewlett-Packard Medical Products Group
>Subject: Shakespeare

The following appeared in the "International Herald Tribune" sometime between
June 1988 and August 1989 (I apologize for not doing a better job of recording
the date). Posted with permission:

A sign spotted in a Cincinnati, Ohio, sporting goods store whose management
obviously has brushed up on its Shakespeare, as reported to The New York Times
by Ellen Feld:

Now Is the Discount
Of Our Winter Tents

--
Arthur Higbee (N.Y. Times)

= = = = = = =
>Organization: Trade Services, Inc (http://www.tradeservices.com)
>Subject: Try to keep up
>From: egon@tradeservices.com (Cole Tuininga)

Seen on a T Shirt

"I'm a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."

= = = = = = =
>From: scott@objectstream.com (Scott Riegelhaupt-Herzig)
>Organization: ObjectStream, Inc.
>Subject: Interesting juxtapositioning of headlines

While reading some Associated Press wire stories, I noted with
amusement the following two headlines next to one another:

Reform Jews Adopt Traditional Rules

followed immediately by

Pope Ponders the End of the World

= = = = = = =
>From: mslamm@mscc.huji.ac.il (Ehud Lamm)
>Subject: Telling jokes

My girlfriend told me - "I will not tell you jokes anymore. You always
laugh at me when I do.

Naturally - I laughed.

= = = = = = =
>From: alopezo@unb.ca (Alex Lopez-Ortiz)
>Organization: University of New Brunswick
>Subject: Ain't marketing wonderful?

From the actual label of Perrier mineral water:

= = = = = = =
>From: Robin.Jeffries@Eng.Sun.COM (Robin Jeffries)
>Subject: Truth in Advertising

I got one of those chain letter messages last week--send money to the top
person on the list, etc. But one sentence really caught my eye. Perhaps
these groups are finally giving out accurate information. (Capitalization and
punctuation from the original).

THIS MESSAGE IS 10% LEGAL!!!!

= = = = = = =
>From: thecrog@cheetara.freeserve.co.uk (Craig Nicol)
>Subject: Who'd have thought it...

An actual headline from Infobeat news:

Infertility may be passed to sons.

= = = = = = =
>From: ian@tanagra.demon.co.uk (Ian Chard)
>Organization: Very little
>Subject: An unlikely tennis partner

During Wimbledon, I was watching the Sampras/Henman match on teletext.
When the match started, the following scoreline appeared:

SAMPRAS v HE MAN

I didn't think Sampras had a chance.

= = = = = = =
>From: sariffe@earthlink.net (Annette Riffe)
>Subject: Office productivity

While waiting for a long program to finish running, I decided to
surf the web. I found an article on staying focused at work and,
given that I was surfing, I decided I could use help in this area.

When I followed the link, my browser crashed.

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