Saw the following want ad in the back of a fashion magazine last week:
"What do you want, do you really, really want?"
Tired of your boring, dead-end job? Sick of working as a chequer in a convenience store? Wondering where a lass with no education to speak of can find a rewarding career opportunity?
At Virgin Records Ltd, we may have just the thing for you. Due to a recent departure within our organisation, Virgin Records Ltd. currently has an opening for a SPICE GIRL. In this position, you will travel around the world, wear colourful outfits, prance about on stage with four other lasses just like yourself, make records, and accompany senior Virgin Records Ltd executives on clandestine holidays to posh resorts in exotic locales such as France, Italy, and Greece.
The successful candidate shall have an ingratiating personality, and a good deal of contempt for other people, men in particular. She shall have a reasonably attractive physique, be familiar with the latest fashions and hairstyles, and be capable of memorizing and reciting simple melodies, and shouting them onstage whilst accompanied by music. Whining is essential. A demonstrated ability in acting like a complete and utter tart is highly desired. Some dancing ability is a plus.
Skill at songwriting, composing, producing music, singing, or playing a musical instrument are all not necessary for this position. A boyfriend or fiancee who is a boorish footballer or a member of Parliament would be beneficial, but is not a requirement.
To apply for this position, please send your C.V. by post to:
Virgin Records Ltd
533-579 Harrow Road
Please include a list of references, and a pictorial of yourself. A demo tape may be included, but it shall only be used to break ties. All demo tapes should be no longer than 90 seconds, please.