What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (David R. Brandt) Organization: New York State Insurance Fund Subject: Tough choice Headline in 11/17/97 Info World: "More Explorer 4.0 bugs affect images, text, and font files". Hmm. So I can either use Netscape or just avoid any websites that use images, text or fonts. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (CWatters) Subject: Lost Web site From the London Times Newspaper 20th November 1997.... Lost Web site An elderly couple drove nearly 100 miles from Portsmouth to BBC Thames Valley Radio in Caversham, Berkshire, to visit their local Web site. They had seen an advert inviting them to visit the BBC Web site, and had imagined it was a building. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (John Atkinson) Subject: Constable picture wins award The Turner Prize for 1997, and 20,000 UK pounds, has been won by a video described by one art critic as 'mesmerising.' Twenty-six uniformed policemen and women stare, silent and immobile, into the camera for 60 minutes. Stern, blank faces gaze unflinchingly into the camera. With tension mounting, there is suddenly a sound, a slight movement among the posed ranks. An unseen shuffling of feet is heard, growing steadily. Suddenly, the officer at the end screams. According to the "artist", Miss Gillian Wearing, 34, her film reflects the role of the pilice in society today. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Donovan K. Loucks) Subject: Fortune Cookie Koan I was never the sort to save fortune cookie fortunes, until I came across the following two in a single cookie back on January 30, 1994: There is yet time enough for you to take a different path. Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned. I guess it's one of them "koan" things... = = = = = = = From: Petter_Sandvik@fimug.fi (Petter Sandvik) Organization: Finnish Macintosh User Group (fiMUG ry) Subject: Microsoft and Mac Microsoft ships Internet Explorer 2.0, bringing ease of use, performance and excitement to the Macintosh platform. Microsoft (quoted from MacAddict, September 1996) = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Paul Bartlett) Subject: Big news from NASA This is the part of the subject that appeared on an emailed press release from NASA: "NASA Software Clearly Displays Breast" I know I'm overjoyed. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (G C R URBAN) Subject: How appropriate... Newsreader on the ITN Early Evening News, Monday, December 1, 1997: "The UN conference on climate change opened in Japan today with a heated debate." = = = = = = = From: spirko@TopQuark.physics.lehigh.edu (Jeff Spirko) Subject: Oh, so that's how it's done. A headline on CNN Interactive on 4 Dec 1997 reads: Dow higher, helped by drugs = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: Cyber Promotions Just Doesn't Get It A headline on the Dec 1. issue of Inter@ctive week reads: "Spammers Build Backbone Of Their Own" I always knew they were spineless, but I doubt this is going to help. = = = = = = = From: Ryjhan@aol.com (Ryjhan) Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com) Subject: About car quality... True Story. Recently a friend of mine had his car broken into. The only thing stolen was his $300 car alarm. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Evan McLain) Subject: Well isn't that convenient? Seen in a Dillard's department store: For Your Convenience, An Elevator is Located in China They call that convenient? = = = = = = = From: Lieven@BWA.be (Lieven De Samblanx) Subject: joke submission Begin december, my wife received an e-mail message saying : --------------- Dear customer [cut rest of the message] PS : Please contact us if you didn't receive this message --------------- = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Sam) Organization: Ye 'Ol Disorganized NNTPCache groupie Subject: Going to China My husband and I were walking around the linen department in a nearly deserted department store, after Christmas, when we saw the following notice propped against a counter: THIS CHECKOUT CLOSED. PLEASE GO TO CHINA. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Alex Holden) Subject: A true telephone conversation I heard a flustered customer service assistant on the phone during last Christmas. He was asked if he could see the Santa Claus who was greeting children when walking into the store. He said, "I don't know, what does he look like?" = = = = = = = From: ibrahim@voyager0.Stanford.EDU (Nabeel Ibrahim) Subject: The truth hurts... Driving through Delphi, Indiana, I passed a Taco Bell which was advertising its late night employment opportunities. Presumably, the sign should have said: "Now hiring full-time closers" One (apparently) honest person, though, had removed the "c". = = = = = = = From: Mike.Benveniste@fmr.com (Benveniste, Mike) Subject: Fuddruckers At two of the local Fuddruckers restaurants, the have a poster showing a picture of a "perfect" hamburger. On the poster are the words: "By the people" and "For the people." Having recently reread the Gettysburg Address, I'm quite sure I don't want to know the ingredients of their burgers. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (David Bibb) Subject: Interesting Army Screen Saver My co-worker is retired from the Army. He just installed a very nice screen saver advertising the Army and giving a number of photographs of various equipment with troops posed in and around them. The climax of the show is an eagle with the words: Strength, Honor, Integrity, Pride. I think there is a Navy mole in the screen saver programming unit as the acronym is S. H. I. P. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Alan Green) Subject: Defensive (about your) Driving True story: We were out driving in the worst rain we had had for at least a year. My wife was so busy looking this way and that for other cars at an intersection that she didn't notice a "STOP" sign. When I commented, she said "Look, it was a rolling stop, OK?" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (AZ) Organization: AZ Subject: Yet another Clinton-Lewinsky item A personal ad from the Jewish Bulletin of Northern California, February 6, 1998: PROPERLY JADED Clinton-like guy seeks his Monica Lewinsky. Let's lie together. Age gap need not be so extreme.... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (m. allen adams jr. :o-) Subject: Charitable Contributions Heard on the radio today: On an ad for a concert event the station will be hosting: "It's free to get in, and proceeds benefit St. Jude's Children's Research." Guess they have their priorities straight. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (David Bibb) Subject: How to make the best of a bad situation... The local Dollar Tree [a store where everything costs $1.00] recently had a driver drive into the front of the shop causing quite a bit of damage. The manager posted the following sign: After Crash Sale in progress All items $1.00 Please leave your car in the packing lot Thank you, Stressed out manager = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Peter Burka) Subject: Snowboarding tenants Seen in a real-estate ad on http://www.ottawarealestate.org. This is a real ad! LANDLORD IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR AT LEAST TWO YEARS. LANDLORD WILDLY ALLERGIC TO CATS, DOGS AND CIGARETTE SMOKE. SNOWBOARDERS OK. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Philip N. Gross) Subject: Savvy investment advice... Two adjacent headlines from cnn.com on Thursday, March 12, 1998: The sky's the limit for stocks -- Bullish investors push major market indexes to fresh records Gullible investors targeted -- Beware of brokers with big promises who pressure you to buy stocks = = = = = = = Organization: Boston University From: firstname.lastname@example.org (ampenna @bu.edu) Subject: Humorous flight attendant announcements As an addendum to your posting of comments on humorous flight attendant announcements, I heard the following on a Southwest Airlines flight from Indianapolis to Louisville, KY: "In the event of a water landing, yeah, right..." = = = = = = = From: pjh@ipsalab.Tor.Soliton.COM (Henderson, Peter J.) Organization: Soliton Associates Limited Subject: I am not a crook. From the article "REUTERGATE II" (The European Weekly, no 408, 16-22 March 1998) whichdescribes a lawsuit filed against Reuters America under the U.S. "RICO" (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations) laws by a software manufacturer who claims that Reuters unlawfully distributed pirated copies of its software to various Reuters offices: "Reuters believes there is no basis for ... RICO, fraud or similar claims against Reuters in a federal court in New York," said Robert Crooke, a Reuters Spokesman. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Scott Riegelhaupt-Herzig) Subject: TV language filters... From the Contra Costa (California) Times column "As Seen on TV" by Chuck Barney (on March 31, 1998): True story: There's a new device for TV sets that will filter out coarse language. Before they could make it work, though, they had to get it to understand the subtleties of the English language. It kept converting "The Dick Van Dyke Show" into "jerk Van gay." = = = = = = = Organization: Matzo Ball Critics of Canada From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dan Saraga) Subject: they need help Heard this on CHEX, Peterborough and Durham's local news show: "The Optimists Club will be having an indoor garage sale this Saturday..." Not too positive about the weather, are they? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Eduardo Subelman) Organization: Citicorp Development Center Subject: Seen on an election poster As seen on an election poster in West Los Angeles: Elect Eisner Eisner Eisner Eisner for Bored of Equalization. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gwen Neufeld) Subject: truckin' Saw on a extended cab semi this morning on the freeway: Dad's Pad when Mom's mad = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Dr. Stuart Savory) Organization: Siemens Nixdorf Informationssysteme AG Paderborn, Germany Subject: Hong Kong's new airport Seen on a roadside billboard in Hong Kong last week: "Come to the opening of Hong Kong's new airport: Our stewardesses invite you to Chek Lap Kok and come flying with them" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Matthew S. Staben) Subject: Social Security Office Blues The other day, I saw at the local branch of the Social Security Administration a sign, obviously mass-produced for distribution to all branches, placed conspiciously above the security guard. "It is a federal offense to kill ... a federal employee while carrying out their duties." Like I need to be told. = = = = = = = From: The-Wheelers@worldnet.att.net (Vicki) Subject: Bumper Sticker of the Day Seen on a bumper sticker today in the Seattle area: WINDOWS 98 So good the Feds want to make it illegal! = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Judah Kelber) Subject: Advanced math Seen the week before finals on the chalkboard right after a Math 233 (Discrete Math) class at the University of Oregon: 59 + 34 + 2 + 37 + 97 = some number And here I thought math classes were hard.... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Chris Carline) Subject: Yet another 'Bill' joke... Heard this one on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast show, during their daily competition 'Headline Makers'. The aim is to send in funny newspaper headlines regarding current news stories, which are set by the presenters each day. I can't remember the name of the person who sent this one in, but it was regarding headlines about the latest Bill Clinton 'revelations'. "One Yank and it's All Over the Papers". It won, by the way :) = = = = = = = From: TonyLima@ms.spacebbs.com (Tony Lima) Organization: Nope, none Subject: The Apple Falls Far From The Tree From the San Jose Mercury-News March 18, p. A2: "Singer Fiona Apple - wierdo American? You decide. According to Us magazine: 'She believes that spiders drop down in front of her when she is sad. She won't use old bottles of shampoo because the smell reminds her of the past. (And) she thinks that paper clips follow her wherever she goes, especially pink ones.' " = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Edoardo S Biagioni) Organization: University of Hawaii Subject: Re: Are you insane??? From the man page for "chat" on RedHat Linux: COPYRIGHT The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces. = = = = = = = From: claird@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (Cameron Laird) Organization: NeoSoft Internet Access (+1 888 NEOSOFT) Subject: 'Makes sense to me. Recently received job posting: Several openings in Houston, Austin and Boston for large software company. Salaries commiserate with experience. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Leonard D. Woren) Subject: My Pet Dinosaur Might Run Away At the entrance to the Redwood Trading Post in Redwood City, California there is a sign which states: Please leave your food, drink, pets, dinosaurs, and whining mates outside.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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