On a whim, I decided to visit Hormel's main plant, and, after a tour, we were allowed to taste samples of their various products. And there was one... I don't think that words can describe how it tasted. It was a meat product, but to call it meat would not do it justice. The memory of the taste brings tears to my eyes.
I like to cook in my spare time, so I asked the tour guide if they could give me the recipe. She frowned, and said, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two-fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab.
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Hormel and it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for a couple of tins, and about $20.00 for an anti-nauseant. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Recipe--$250.00." Boy, was I upset! I called Hormel's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our delicacies... the bill would stand.
I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every gourmet will have a $250.00 recipe from Hormel for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will.
So, here it is, and please pass it on to someone else or run a few copies... I paid for it; now you can have it for free.
(Trust me; this recipe is so good that you will want to make as much as you can at once, which is why I list so much. This may be doubled, of course): 1 pig carcass (all parts that are technically digestible but can't be used for any other purpose, even hot dogs) 1 gallon castor oil 1 salt lick 1 gallon vomit 16 lbs recycled plastic
The cooking technique is simple. Use a blender, branch shredder, or anything else handy to shred the carcass, salt, and plastic; mix evenly in a sufficiently large container. There are a variety of ways to cook it; in experimenting, I have found the best option to be slow boiling in motor oil. But the specific method of cooking doesn't matter much; with such an extraordinary combination of ingredients, nobody will know the difference. When it is cooked, compress it into small tins (at Hormel, it came in dark blue tins with four large white or yellow letters--I won't specify which four letter word, because there are some people who find it to be more obscene and offensive than a certain crude word for sex), and open and enjoy at leisure. You don't need to worry about it spoiling; bacteria won't touch it, and at any rate there is a specific reason why it can't go bad. Makes at least 112 tins.
Have fun!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story. That's it. Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc...
Oh, and one last thing I almost forgot...
I feel a little guilty for presuming to speak about how to best serve a delicacy so wonderful--the final word must go to gourmets and chefs with a taste far more refined than mine--but there are a thousand ways in which it may be served, and, after a little experimenting, I really HAVE to share with you my personal favorite:
Open one tin; slice thinly. Marinate in pesto sauce, with a touch of thyme. Roast slowly over an open flame (I have found wood-- preferably oak--to work best), then THROW THE STUPID THING OUT THE WINDOW AND COOK YOURSELF A STEAK.