[Note - what follows is part one of the One-Liner Digest. These jokes are typically short jokes which weren't funny enough to warrant posting them as separate articles (with apologies to the authors). They vary widely in subject matter, and the Digest therefore may very well offend just about everyone at one point or another. The One-Liner Digest appears a few times every year - ed] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Denise Howard) Organization: Filoli Information Systems Subject: Knock, boom Heard this on a British police comedy show on the Comedy Channel last night... Knock, knock. Who's there? United Nations. United Nations who? I didn't know you were Serbian! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Stephen Andrew Weinstein) Subject: A computer's best friend Today a dog was sitting in a computer lab for some reason. We were all very jealous. No one else had ever come in and not had a software malfunction. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (P.J. Geraghty) Subject: At least someone loves you Seen on a bumber sticker this afternoon in Bethesda, MD: JESUS LOVES YOU (everyone else thinks you're an asshole) = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ian Lance Taylor) Subject: Christian bumper sticker Seen on a bumper sticker: Jesus is coming LOOK BUSY = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Henry O. Farad) Subject: soda pun At lunch we were debating between root beer and lemon-lime soda. The decision prompted me to reply with "Let's hope that their Barq's isn't worse than their Sprite". = = = = = = = From: TOMKANPA@aol.com Subject: Latest Barbie Doll They just came out with a new Barbie Doll. It is called "Divorce Barbie." It comes with all of Ken's stuff. I got this joke from Diane, one of my favorite bar tenders. = = = = = = = From: DSullivan@acorn.co.nz (David Sullivan) Subject: Useful Thought The big print giveth The Small print taketh away = = = = = = = From: Gregg@klaw.riva.com (Gregg) Subject: Iowa farm boy joke Heard this from a co-worker today. What's the difference between an epileptic farm-boy from Iowa and a hooker with diarrhea? The farm-boy shucks between fits. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Sandra Bullock Sequel The recent Sandra Bullock film "The Net" is so popular that they are already preparing a sequel to it. It will be called "Re: The Net." = = = = = = = From: AngeltheK@aol.com Subject: Alzheimer's magazine I heard this one from a friend... The International Alzheimer's Association is publishing a newsletter. They say it costs very little to publish - we just send out the same issue every month! = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Duane Morin) Subject: Oh, you want old one liners. On Thu, 7 Sep 95 1:25:02 EDT, you claim to have written: >B: Yeah, fat chicks are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, > but you don't want your friends to see you on one... A guy just used this line at the company barbecue the other day. After thinking about it for a second, the guy he'd told it to said, "Nah, I want a chick that's like a Harley. Even if it's broken and you ain't riding it at all, you still want your friends to see you standing next to it." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Bart Schorsch) Subject: Windows95, Jesse Helms Heard this morning on KJ-108 (KJKJ 107.5 FM): "Jesse Helms is so conservative, he just got around to upgrading his computer to Windows77." = = = = = = = From: AudBeatty@aol.com Subject: Terror in the Islands or the Break neck speeder While on vacation in the Virgin Islands, my husband and I took a driving tour of St. Thomas. I was navigating our tour quite successfully and felt very pleased with myself. As our drive progressed, we ventured into an area where the streets were quite hilly and very narrow. My husband was driving at a speed which was sure to make the most hardy soul nervous (at least I thought so). Being newly married and not wishing to start an arguement I quietly said "honey, could you please slow down, I can't read the map with my eyes closed!" = = = = = = = From: FOLOR@aol.com Subject: Zappa This isn't exactly a joke, but it is very funny.......Frank Zappa was being interviewed by some TV bimbo. He was smoking a Marlboro, and she said: "Why are you smoking if you have cancer?" Zappa replied: "Lady, I am dying of undiagnosed prostate cancer, which has nothing to do with smoking......AND BESIDES, I CONSIDER TOBACCO TO BE A VEGETABLE!!!" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Rachel Donahue) Subject: Gay-driving One night, I went clubbing with some gay friends... As we approached an intersection, the confused driver asked, "Which way do I go, straight? To which my other friend replied, " Honey, you never go straight, you go forward!!!" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Keith Meidling) Subject: Delighted and Defrocked If lawers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does'nt it follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked; and dry cleaners depressed? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Eric Woller) Subject: guarenteed 'A' This conversation actually happened before we took a cumulative exam. Friend A: "So, do you think you'll pass the test?" Friend B: "The only way I'm going to pass this test is if I eat it first." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (John McMahon) Organization: The Internet Access Company Subject: Fun Fact of the day An interesting statistic: "Each year, over 7 million Americans will fantasize about sex with a co-worker. Of those 7 million, approximately 985,000 are self-employed." - An excerpt from the So Much To Say home page
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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