[Note - what follows is the first part of the one-liner file. As with all r.h.f. "digests", the jokes contained herein are "sub-standard" jokes (with apologies to the authors) - jokes which are funny, but which don't really warrant posting by themselves. As such, they vary greatly in quality, topic, and offensive nature. If such material does not interest you, feel free to skip it and the parts which follow. As I said, the topic matter varies greatly, and folks who are easily offended will likely find something in these digests which offends them. To quote Dennis Miller, "...people who are threatened by jokes are the same people who tend to refer to actors on soap operas by their characters' names. Listen, there's the Real World, and then there's the Joke World, ok? The Joke World can get tough. Wear a cup." To use my own words, it's just a joke - ed.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Sarah Ross) Subject: Gump Math A math teacher at my brother's school held a Creative Writing in Mathematics contest. Students were asked to finish the sentence "Math is like a box of chocolates..." The grand prize winning entry was submitted by a sixth grader: "Math is like a box of chocolates -- it's best when you use your fingers." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Anthony Baxter) Organization: australian artificial intelligence institute Subject: UN forces in Somalia Heard on radio station JJJ's breakfast show this morning: Whats the difference between the UN forces in Somalia and Teddy Kennedy? Teddy Kennedy has had one confirmed kill. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Kenneth A Reek) Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology Subject: Movie Madness (original, inspired by a recent r.h.f ballad on the subject) Those who claim that seeing things in movies does not affect what people do in real life may have to reconsider their position: look at what Lorena Bobbitt did after seeing "Free Willy"... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Malor) Subject: father's day one-liner, original. Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's Day." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Brian Wessels, 226-6226) Subject: Microsoft ads This is original -- Recently I've been seeing lots vague of Microsoft ads on TV, with the tag line, "Where do you want to go today?" My immediate response was, "Chicago. But I can't get there until August!" = = = = = = = From: TchrJGates@aol.com Subject: New race track in the works I just heard this one today. Sorry, I have no idea of its roots. Did you hear that Tanya Harding and Mickael Jackson are building a race track together? Tanya will take care of the handicapping and Michael will ride the three year olds. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016 Subject: The Millenium Cometh What if they put freshness dates on code? "MVS -- Best if used before December 31, 1999." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Paul Arsenault) Yea, yea, you've probably heard it before, but... Two termites walk into a bar and one says, "Is the bartender here?" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (That guy...you know!) Subject: What is in Sprite, anyway? You know what they say about Sprite ... Two-thirds of it is Spit. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Jennifer A. Wilk) Subject: America - The Land of Opportunity Heard this from a friend who heard it from a friend.... Regarding Micheal Jackson --- Only in a America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Robert M Chittister) Subject: When she just wants to be friends I was recently telling a friend of mine about a rectent romantic endeavour. I told him that first she asked me not to push her into making a decision on our relationship, but I couldn't wait, so she turned me down. My friend said "OK, so you backed off, then you backed on, and then you were backed over." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Albert Kleinjan (BIS94)) Subject: Silly pilots After landing his 747 plane on JFK airport, the captain says to his co-pilot: "Pheeeew, this is certainly the shortest landingstip I've ever seen !" Co-pilot: "Yes but it is certainly one of the widest" A joke form a dutch comedian Freek de Jonge. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Skippy the Wondermous) Organization: Upper Merion Area High School Subject: Record Albums... I was at a concert for the band God Lives Underwater at the Khyber Pass Bar in Philly the other day. One of the opening acts for GLU was a band named "Maids of Gravity," where the bassest was heard saying... "We've got 4 records out...all same title...all same artwork..." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Insect God) Organization: panix.com Subject: A man walks into a bar Overheard on the New York subway: It's 1972, and Jesus comes into a disco. He pays the cover, but he just can't seem to score, every song that comes on he moves like a dead white guy. So after a while he takes a break, buttonholes the bartender and says, "Darn it! I've risen, and I can't get down!" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jennifer A. Wilk) Subject: The big shillelagh This is an old one.... Q. What do you have if you have two little, green balls in your hand?? A. Complete control of a leprechaun = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tim Patterson) Subject: Follow up joke... After reading a recent joke on here, from Jonathan Katz, I came up with a twist on it. Q: So, if people that love the English are called Anglophiles, and people that love the French are Francophiles, what are people that love Americans called? A: Americans. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mikey Conover) Organization: Upper Merion Area High School Subject: Penis joke Don't know if this'll get past the RHF monitor...Heck, don't know if it'll get past the vikings monitor...but what the hell... What's 12 inches long and white? Nothing. = = = = = = = From: BIGZ@oitvms.oit.umass.edu Subject: Watch what you ride... A friend of mine relayed a conversation he had with another friend of his... Jack (describing his girlfriend's friend, trying to be nice): Well... she's a bit overweight... not much to look at... Bill (catching on to what Jack REALLY means, but is being nice): Oh, you mean she's a moped. J: A moped?!? B: Yeah, fat chicks are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one...
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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