[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Niels Elgaard Larsen) Organization: Department of Computer Science, U of Copenhagen Subject: road sides The story about paper in the telephone company reminded me of a true story told to me by a truck driver. In the danish roadsides, there are these plasctic "mile-stones" at a distance at 100 meter. They are called priests, because they show the way, but they don't follow it. There was a problem at one long slightly curved piece of road. The big trucks often were careless - they got too far out in the curve and smashed a few of these priests. The authorities got tired, replacing these and designed a new model. This new fancy model was placed on a spring, so that it could bend. But it didn't work. The truck drivers found it amusing to hit all the new priests on the road, so in short time they were all damaged. It was then decided to replace the new model with the old one. This didn't work, of course. The trucks didn't notice the change and the first truck to pass, smashed all the priests. Now this piece of road is guided by good old-fashioned stones. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jim Tubman) Subject: Robertson Davies on Journalism and Fiction Famous author (and former newspaperman) Robertson Davies recently gave a reading from his most latest novel to a packed library theatre in Calgary. After the reading, he took questions from the audience. One young man asked, "Professor Davies, how can a practicing journalist find time to write fiction?" "Oh dear," Davies replied, "that question shows a great deal of innocence about journalism." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Peter Morreale) Subject: Road Signs.... The following story was told at the Cray User's Group meeting in Santa Fe. The author is a professional "double-speak" artist. (a stand-up comic who's act consists of giving "talks" at conferences which contain nonsense sentences, slurred words, jokes, etc. All delivered with the greatest sense of urgency and importance.) His stage name is "Dr. Robert Payne", apologies to "Dr. Payne" as I cannot recall his real name. Dr. Payne swears that this is a true story. Late one evening in Atlanta, it seems that Dr Payne and another car are approaching a signal light which is in the midst of changing from the yellow caution light to red (go very fast...). Seeing that the driver of the van decided to continue on through the intersection, our hero decides likewise. But alas, one of Atlanta's finest is awaiting nearby and stops both autos. As Dr Payne is getting out of his car, he sees that the other driver has already gotten out and is "speaking" with the officer. The word "speaking" is used loosely since it becomes quite apparent that the other driver can only speak by signing. And he is obviously agitated by the manner in which his hands, and fingers are flying. After a few moments of this, the officer starts becoming obviously bewildered as the other driver is increasing the tempo in which his hands and fingers are flying. At this point, Dr Payne decides to take stock of his situation. On the one hand, we have a mute who is very upset, and an officer who is starting to wonder how to handle this situation. On the other hand, Dr Payne is a professional "double-speak" artist. A person who makes his living by speaking with just enough verbs, nouns, and adjectives as to leave the unsuspecting without the slightest inkling that absolutely nothing intelligent was spoken. You fill in the blanks..... After several minutes of the mute waving hands, and Dr Payne desparately (:-) attempting to explain the situation, the officer finally gives up and waves them both on. (without the tickets...) But the real punchline to this story comes after the officer takes off. Up until this point, the mute has been attempting to read Dr. Payne's lips as he spoke and was becoming quite bewildered himself. Well... our hero quickly introduces himself and explains that he just couldn't let the opportunity pass. After a few chuckles, the mute writes on a slip of paper, "Too bad we didn't get the tickets, could you imagine us in court?" = = = = = = = From: MCGEE@nic.csu.net (RICH MCGEE) Subject: True Blonde Joke This was told me me by a friend of mine, who swears it's true: "I told my blonde friend that my husband was finally going to build me the mantle I'd wanted ever since last Christmas. My blonde friend looked at me and replied: "That's nice. Where are you going to put it?"" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jim Canan) Subject: Kids and Computers Told to me by my brother... My eight year old nephew has been around computers since before he could walk. He was in a department store last week. He came running over to his Mom and told her he had just found a new kind of printer that had a built-in keyboard. He wanted to buy it to use with their computer. Some of you may have already seen these new printers. They are being marketed under several brand names as "typewriters". = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Richard Engler) Subject: David Duke (true story) Overheard by my friend, Miles Fabian, on a San Diego Bus: UC San Diego Student: "You haven't heard of David Duke!? Don't you watch TV? He's the head of the KKK who's running for senate against a black guy in Alabama." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Organization: Mankato State University Subject: Minnesota drivers This actually happened to my Uncle once. My Uncle Don was driving from Chicago to Minneapolis on his way to meet the family when, as he was just passing a car on the highway, he noticed the car's bumper sticker that read: "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" Being a good christian he honked back. Just as he did, he noticed the driver of the other vehicle turn his head and flip him off! = = = = = = = From: JET@uh.edu (J Eric Townsend) Organization: University of Houston -- Department of Mathematics Subject: visualize this.. (I said this to a friend while driving the other day, so I suppose it is original...) A friend and I are driving through a busy "spaghetti" interchange. Ahead, on the shoulder of the road, is a stopped car, emergency blinkers going, with the hood up. On the bumper is a "Visualize World Peace" sticker. As we passed, I couldn't help but yell "Visualize Jumper Cables!" (After a bit of thought, I realized that they should probably visualize a tow truck...) = = = = = = = From: GL250022@venus.yorku.ca Subject: fragrances There is a new product on sale for men in New York. The fragrance "Recession" is being sold with the advertising line: "The economy stinks -- you shouldn't have to." Bloomingdale's is selling it with a slip of paper which reads: "The scent for the man who used to have everything." Read this in the Toronto Star, 03 October 1991. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Arthur Keller) Subject: Strategic Typo >From the Herrington, The Enthusiasts' Catalog, dated Fall '91, back page: "Touch Just One Button on This Dual-Deck VCR to Make Flawlwss (sic) VHS Copies -- Without Drowning in a Sea of Tangled Wires!" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Doug Harms) Organization: Dept. of Math and Computer Science, Muskingum College Subject: Honesty in Politics Our student body is currently conducting class elections, and the sidewalks are chalked with campaign slogans. The best one I've seen is: FOR LACK OF A BETTER REASON VOTE FOR BOB And they say politicians aren't honest! = = = = = = = From: UOG11001@vm.uoguelph.ca (Brian Switzer) Subject: Vet under fire... This is something passed on from someone else... ------------- <The Vet Who Surprised a Cow> In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estim- ated at 45,000 english pounds. The vet was later fined 140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (David Hyatt) Subject: followup to the "D as in David?" joke I had a similar experience at a Western Union station in Lawrence, Kansas. I was mailing home a package and wanted to know how much it was going to cost. The old woman behind the counter asked me, "What ZIP code are you mailing it to?" I replied, 0-7-4-5-0 (Northern New Jersey) She put down her pen, scowled at me, and snidely quipped, "I only need the first three numbers." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark Bartelt) Subject: silver lining (but did they remember to sign their organ donor cards?) The following appeared in the September 17 edition of The Medical Post: In New York, more murders mean more organ donors ROME - New York's appalling murder rate of over six victims daily is providing a wellspring of "ideal" candidates for transplant organ donation. Many of these murders are drug-related, the result of turf wars, and drug dealers tend to kill each other with gunshot wounds to the head, Dr. Lewis Burrows, professor or surgery at Mount Sinai Medical Center, told an international organ transplant conference here. "If it's not a high-velocity bullet and it doesn't hit your breathing centre, then there's a good chance you'll get to the hospital", he said. "When you're declared dead, we begin to work." The victims are young, healthy, usually male, and, due to the demands of their trade, "too smart to use drugs," which would make them ineligible as donors, he said. "They're ideal." Murder victims comprised 42 of 147 organ donors last year, he said, helping to make up for a levelling in numbers of organs from traffic fatalities since the institution of stricter speed limits and seat belt regulations. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Jeff Shaevel) Subject: Re: Mindless receptionist > I called up the local auto club this morning to ask for a map of Colorado. > The receptionist who answered the phone asked me to spell my last name, and > then my first name. > > Me: "D-A-V-I-D." > Her: "Was the first letter 'D' as in David or 'B' as in boy?" My mother was trying to reach my father at the office one day and had the Mom : "I'd like to speak with Mr. Shaevel, please." Receptionist: "I'm sorry he's not in at the moment." M : "Would you please tell him that his wife called?" R : "Could you spell the name please?" M : "W----I----F----E....." Why is it that after a conversation like that, you've the one who feels stupid? :-)
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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