[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: graziano%heurikon.UUCP@charlie.heurikon.com (John Graziano) Subject: Wisconsin Gov's Shocking Secret Revealed! Here in Wisconsin, our beloved Gov. Tommy Thompson is having a veto-fest at the capitol. So far, he's cut over 400 items from the current budget with no signs of stopping. On Aug 1st, The Green Bay Press-Gazette, a nationally respected newspaper, carried the story on page 1. The 2-inch headline was supposed to read: THOMPSON'S PEN IS A SWORD Unfortunately, the spacing was a bit off, so unsuspecting Green Bay readers sat down with their morning coffee to learn: THOMPSON'S PENIS A SWORD It gave me a newfound respect for the guy. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Walter C. Daugherity) Subject: What a Croc! On the news this morning, Florida governor Chiles defended his state's sale of 188 permits to hunters to kill up to 15 alligators each by saying that the income would be used for the Alligator Protection Program. Protection from what? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Mark Eversoll) Organization: Armstrong State College Subject: Bacon Cheeseburger Dilemma I stepped into a fast food place for lunch the other day. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, to which the waitress replied: "Would you like bacon on that sir?" = = = = = = = From: BARENT@vm1.yorku.ca (Peter Landstreet) Subject: Here comes the son... From the Birth Announcements, Toronto Globe and Mail, July 13, 1991: B.A.G. (Brad) Riddoch and L.M. (Linda) Riddoch, the senior partners of Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch, formerly Riddoch and Riddoch, are pleased to announce the appointment of Blake Andrew Harrison Riddoch as Son. He will report jointly to Mr. and Mrs. Riddoch. As son Mr. Blake Riddoch's immediate responsibilities will include eating, crying, sleeping and waste management. He will be located at Head Office in Toronto. Blake assumed his responsibilities June 30, 1991 at 19:53 hours, weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces with placement by Dr. Josie Tenore. Formerly of The Womb, he brings 9 months extensive production and development experience to his new position. Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch is family owned and operated... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Shawn V. Hernan) Subject: Sign in Movie Marquee Sign seen in the State College, PA Cineplex theater Marquee: 101 DALMATIONS DYING YOUNG = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ping Luo) Organization: USC-ISI Subject: intelligent search I went to USC this morning doing my library search for articles on user interfaces. I saw rows of computers set there for on-line data base browsing. I sat there, logged in, chose Computer Science category, typed in "user interface" as key word for subject and I got a list of "hit records". One of the records says this: "Title: Do It Yourself --- Repairing Broken Windows." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Koen Langendoen) Subject: The metric system This came from England. It are the guideluines how an article should be formatted: > Print on a A4 sheet of paper, single sided. The grid is: > 1.5 inch (3.2 cm) from the top >>>> 0.6 inch (1.5 cm) from the bottom >>>> 0.7 inch (2.2 cm) from the left and > 1.7 inch (3.5 cm) from the right. We always wondered how to convert inches to centimeters, we now know: 1 inch equals 7 centimeters. = = = = = = = From: klein@blsouth.UUCP (Michael Klein) Organization: BellSouth Telephone Operations Subject: Do you trust these guys? The Payne Elevator Company office in Cambridge, Mass. is in a single-story building. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Geoffrey H. Cooper) Subject: NetNews forever From: news To: usenet Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 05:47:14 PDT expire problems: expire: bad expiry date in `<1991Jul16.firstname.lastname@example.org...', expire: specifically, `whenTheUniverseExplodesIntoNothingness' -- ignored = = = = = = = From: vince@victrola.UUCP Organization: Vince and Suzie's Underpowered PC, Federal Way WA Subject: the date from hell License plate seen in the parking lot at the local mall: "I have PMS and I carry a handgun." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Dan Wallach) Subject: Banking humor Saw this sign today... FREE CHECKING FOR 117 YEARS Limited Time Offer = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Topher Eliot) Subject: machine names I read this somewhere. You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine? At one apartment complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to make it easier to remember when reporting difficulties. This led to the following note appearing on the superintendent's door: Alice gets hot but won't tumble. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Rob Slade) Organization: Chez Cthulhu +1 604 983 3546 "Caterers to the Elder Gods" Subject: Printer paranoia ... Our submission for the "Chicken Little" award for computer advertising: From the July 8th edition of "Federal Computer Week", page 36: "The PS:Refillable Cartridge can be used with nearly all ... laser printers ... It is refillable by the user and never leaves the user's premises, insuring that data security is never compromised." Laser printer toner cartridges do contain the printer drum. On laser toner cartridges the drum is 2 - 3 cm in diameter. By dint of extraordinary effort, you should be able to reconstruct the last 1/3 of the last page to be printed ... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rich Salz) Subject: International Safe Sex standard This came to me through a twisty little maze of forwarded messages: Your ever vigilant west coast reporter is pleased to report the following (New Scientist, 6 July): A new international condom standard has been agreed upon: ISO 4074, after concluding 15 years of debate. Now Japanese, UK, US and ISO standards all specify a minimum dimension of 160 mm. The new ISO standard prescribes air-testing with a minimum volume and bursting pressure requirement to reflect a minimum of 20N (N = newtons, for the software types and other peasants) axial force. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Bill 'Prune' Wickart) Subject: Forecast *this*, Willard Scott! After a round of thunderstorms hit most of the USA on Tuesday, the 11 PM news had an interesting report: the usual set of today's highs and lows, rainfall amounts, and so on; a few satellite photos; some local interest shots. Then the weather guy got to the forecast: NONE. The National Weather Bureau's main forecasting station in D.C. was struck by lightning, taking out all their computers. No data, no crunchers, no forecast. But we did have a red sky at night, and the satellite photos helped. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (The Inevitable Mr. Zodo) Subject: Georgia cop. This is a true story told to me by a guy at work... He was driving around Atlanta at around 80mph, when he got pulled over by a cop. The cop struts up to the car (wearing his sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside) and says, "Do y'know you were goin' a bit fast, son?" My friend looked up at the cop, and replied, "Gee, officer, I had an itch on my dick, and had to move my leg to scratch it." To which the cop responds, "Well, shit, son! That happens to me all the time!" My friend got out of two speeding tickets in Georgia using this tactic... = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Amy Wohltjen) Subject: Computer generated humor Background -> I had ordered 5 CDs from Columbia House. They only shipped 4, however, demanding payment before sending the fifth. On the invoice was stated: "We must limit the amount of open charges. We are, therefore, holding SOME GIRLS until your balance has been paid... " I quickly submitted the ransom... Amy = = = = = = = From: zephyr@wraith.UUCP (Tom Mansfield) Organization: Jlew's Abode, Needham, Ma Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED From the top of the United Airlines flight safety brochure: "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Christine A. Quinn) Organization: Electrical Engineering Computer Facility, Stanford University Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in Mountain View, CA: +---------------------------+ | PUSH | | If that doesn't work then | | PULL | | If that doesn't work then | | We're closed. | +---------------------------+ = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Bruce Klein) Subject: Good Doublespeak I called AAA to ask for an insurance quote, and their representative said: "I'm sorry, but the person I have available isn't available right now. Could I have someone call you back?" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Sign on a church door This sign was on a church door on Main Street, Waltham Massachusetts USA. (The sign is gone now, but it used to be a solid brass job with three-dimensional letters, like a bank sign.) ________________________ | | | Family Planning | | | | Use Rear Entrance | | | ________________________ Honest. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Jeff Hildebrand) Subject: The latest advanaces in police technology. For a few years a road near my parents house had the standard "Speed Limit 35" sign, with a smaller sign underneath which read: "Speed monitered by ESP device." I really wonder what would have happened if someone had challenged that in court.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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