[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael Woodhams) Subject: An uplifting experience The maths/physics/computer science building at Auckland University was built in about 1970, and in a typical penny pinching maneuver, obsolete lifts were installed. As these are now 20 years old, and spare parts have probably been unavailable for much of that time, they are, to say the least, unreliable. Your life flashes before your eyes whenever you enter one, and an office mate of mine maintained (over my objections) that there are no Atheists in lifts. I lived in constant dread that I would get stuck in a lift when I needed to go to the toilet. Anyway, one morning I came in and found that both lifts were operating flawlessly. (As opposed to the more common event of operating floorlessly.) They opened the doors smoothly, they weren't in their homicidal "close the doors again before they even completely open" mode, they weren't in their "sulk in the basement" mode, when they stopped, you could get out without stepping up or down 30 cm and they took less than one minute between floors. Inspired by this unprecedented event, I went up to my office and soon returned to the lobby with a notice: "Due to circumstances beyond our control, both lifts are fully operational. We apologize for any inconvenience. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible." Sure enough, next morning the sign was gone, and an engineer had disassembled lift spread around the lobby for repairs. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ronnen Levinson) Subject: Ah, that British Stiff Upper Lip From the New York Times, 3 April 1991: BRITON JOKES ABOUT 5 YEARS IN IRANIAN JAIL Looking tired and gaunt but sporting a sense of humor, Roger Cooper, a British businessman who was held by Iran for more that five years on spying charges, arrived in Britain yesterday after being released unexpectedly from a high-security prison in Tehran. Playing down his ordeal, he said, "I can say that anyone who, like me, has been educated in the English public schools and served in the ranks of the British army is quite at home in a Third World prison." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael J Graven) Subject: Machine naming (true story) A friend of mine logs in frequently from several machines at Princeton. They have a lab full of workstations, and every time I see him around, his source machine has a different name. Funny names like teller, time, toyou, ofkin, please, and so on. Finally, overcome with curiosity, I asked him about these machines. Why the strange names? They're NeXTStations, of course. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Roosen) Subject: Cooking with Kraft Real honest to god recipe on the back of Kraft grated parmesan cheese: 'The Secret To Thicker Sauce' SPAGHETTI PARMESAN 1 32-oz jar spaghetti sauce 1 16-oz pkg spaghetti, 2/3 cup KRAFT 100% Grated cooked,drained Parmesan Cheese Heat sauce according to label directions. When heated, stir in parmesan cheese. Simmer 10 minutes, stirring occationally. Pour sauce over spaghetti. Sprinkle with additional parmesan cheese, if desired. 6 to 8 servings. Variation: Recipe may be halved. Sure am glad they explained it! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jamie Blustein) Subject: Stuff Deleted From Waterloo Here's something I found in the junk newsgroup. That group, as you know, is filled with stuff that Waterloo Admin. deletes from the feed. Article 42169 of junk: From: email@example.com (Elf Sternberg) Subject: Really Evil Happening in Denver Date: 8 Apr 91 01:41:11 GMT Organization: The 23:00 News and Mail Service How many people here are familiar with the Rev. Robert Larson? Runs a talk-show, ministers to Satanists and Pagans and such, tries to convert them to J*s*s. Well, this weekend, someone broke into his Compassion Connection (tm) and re-recorded the note on his telephone answering service. It said, for all of Easter weekend: Hi, this is Bob Larson, and none of my referral counsellors can come to the phone right now; We're all out on golf courses, raping young boys. I hope you have a happy Easter; I'll be spending mine sodomizing the Easter Bunny. If you leave your name and number at the beep, one of my consellors will get back to you, after I've fucked them. Have no idea who left it, and of course he's using it as a fund- raiser ("Oh, how the Evil Ones have assaulted us! Send money to fight this evil!"). But I thought it was particularily evil, and had to be mentioned. = = = = = = = From: ggww@sjfc.UUCP (Gerry Wildenberg) Organization: St. John Fisher College Subject: Hamlet question answered. Some years ago a friend told me of an acquaintance's quick wit. When asked for an example he related: When he first heard the famous quote from Hamlet: "What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba?", the wit replied "Two shortest books in the encyclopedia?" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Warren Toomey) Subject: How to lose friends & influence people Taken from a recent article in comp.protocols.tcp-ip by Ehud Gavron: In article <...>, hliu@UCSD.EDU (Hai-Ning Liu) writes... #please delete my name!!!! Your name has been deleted, and you no longer exist. thanks, Ehud = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: novel treatment of low back pain From the New England Journal of Medicine, March 7, 1991 (Volume 324 Number 10): To the Editor: I wish to report the serendipitous discovery of a symptomatic treatment for low back pain that, until now, has been underutilized. Six months ago I evaluated a 48-year-old retired airline pilot with a two-month history of ... [unrelated complaint deleted]. ... he had ... and responded quickly to ... On a follow-up visit at six months, he reported continued control of the facial pain but described an exacerbation of his chronic, intermitted low-grade lumbar back pain. On examination, he had a mild restriction of forward bending, mild paraspinous muscle spasm, and no neurologic defects. When asked about factors that aggravated or relieved his pain, he related that the only maneuver that attenuated the symptom was flying upside down in his rebuilt open-cockpit biplane, suspended by the seat belt and shoulder harness. This treatment had to be administered in repeated brief bursts, since the aircraft operated on a gravity-dependent fuel-injection system; after 10 seconds upside down, the engine would stall and need to be restarted during a dive. On the other hand, his back pain was aggravated by prolonged flying in the usual (right-side-up) position. In fact, the current exacerbation was attributed to a recent flying trip with his wife, during which she would not permit him to fly upside down. This case raises a number of interesting questions, not least among them being issues of risk-benefit ratios, cost effectiveness, and even utilization review, assuming that fuel costs may be reimbursible by the patient's third-party insurance carrier... In any case, the time is ripe for a study comparing this approach with the use of gravity-inversion boots. Robert S. Hoffman, M.D. Daly City, CA 94015 Peninsula Neurological Associates = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dr Nancy's Sweetie) Subject: "But will they require warning labels on alt.sex.bondage?" My wife is a new CS professor, and since she is new she teaches lower- level courses. One of her classes is in "Computer Literacy", which is a course to explain computers to non-majors. Sadly, some of these people don't pay a lot of attention in class and try to guess answers to test questions; this week's midterm earned one of the most original guesses ever: Question: Name one advantage of tape as compared to a hard disk for storing data. Answer: Can listen to it. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Gregory Wildgrube) Subject: Intersting weather we're having In the "Daily Texan" after the election of a editor who said that he wanted to clean up the language in the newspaper: Weather: Last Time You May See This Type of Shit Before It Gets Censored Weather. Fucking highs in the mid-shitty-80's, with goddamn lows in the sexually deviant upper 60s. The fucklove winds will penetrate from the southeast at fuck 15-25 fucking mph. Truthtruth 30 percent chance of rain of fucks, some veryveryvery severe, too disturbing to talk about. Fuck. Love and [CENSORED]. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: bad technical writing From "Unisys World Network Computing News" March 1991 Vol 9, No 3 "... the Symmetry 2000 achieved a record performance rate of 354 transactions per second on a 16-CPU system. The benchmark yielded a cost per transaction of $8100, including five-year cost of ownership ..." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ And I thought $0.15 per check was bad! = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tom Stockfisch) Organization: Chemistry Dept, UC San Diego Subject: tax forms My favorite quotation from this year's 1040 form (page 24): "DO NOT use this chart if you are blind." = = = = = = = From: psrc@jupiter.UUCP (Paul S. R. Chisholm) Subject: Double features The local duplex theater had the following on their marque: DANCES WITH WOLVES THE HARD WAY A few years back, the same theater advertised: EXTRATERRESTRIAL WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS = = = = = = = From: upstill@pixar.UUCP Subject: rec.humor.funny submission The following was written and is currently being used as resume cover letter by my buddy Dennis Jennings: To whom it may concern: Well hello there prospective new employer!!! Lookin for that perfect new employee? One that's smart enough to get the job done but not smart enough to take your job? Well I'm your man!! Yup, I'll be your very own sychophant and will do all those nasty, dirty little jobs that you don't want to do or just can't do cause you're a tad short in the smarts department. When the big boss compliments you on how much you've improved (even though we know it was because of me) I'll stand right there and say how terrific you are! Am I good? Yes! Am I cheap? Of course! Do I know my place? You know I do BOSS! So c'mon, give little ol dj a call and get that career of yours back on track! I'll be waiting to hear from you! Sincerely, = = = = = = = From: Mark.Sapossnek@globe.edrc.cmu.edu Subject: Lube job A new TV ad for a Lexus automobile touted a new leasing agreement where Lexus will pay for all scheduled maintenance costs for two years or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first. The ad finishes with the announcer saying: "Just what you've always wanted: a short-term, no-maintenance relationship."
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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