[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: How's that again? Department [From _The New Yorker_, 2/25/91, p. 81] [Headline in the Pittsfield (Mass.) Berkshire Eagle] WAR WORRIES DOG CONSUMERS = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Douglas V. Simpkinson) Subject: Politically correct recycling... This is true. Here in Berkeley, Politically Correctness center of the galaxy, in the physics building are recycling bins. One for paper, one for glass, one for cans, and one with a sign over it reading "Colored Paper". Someone with a red felt pen changed the sign to read: Paper of Color = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Silence Dogood) Subject: flatulence prevention My nomination for Worthless Product of The Year (spotted in the "Univ. of Texas Lifetime Health Letter"): -------- BEANS: NO MORE EMBARRASSING ENCORES If you love beans and other high-fiber foods but often pass them up because of disconcerting sound effects, help is on the way. A commercially produced enzyme called "Beano" (Lactaid Inc.) reduces flatulence from gas-producing foods such as beans, lentils, peas, broccoli, cabbage, onions and eggplant. Made from the fungus _Aspergillus niger_, Beano prevents flatulence by breaking down gas-producing sugars. You simply add about five drops of the liquid to your first bite of an offending food - and the enzyme does the rest. One warning: because Beano is derived from a fungus, it may cause gastric upset in people who are allergic to molds or penicillin. = = = = = = = From: RIBA@binah.cc.brandeis.edu Subject: Are you sure that's a skin sample?? I used to work in a dermatology lab where doctors would send us their samples and we would make slides for them. Most of the time, the sites of the samples were hard to read, but one came in that was printed clearly: "Site: penis, small" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Captain Hook) Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED Funny thing happened today in Poli-sci... Prof tells us that there will be a test next Wednesday - 30 multiple guess questions on material in the chapter, videos we've watched, and classwork. He then asked if we would like for him to tell us where exactly the information is located. So I piped up - "Sure, and why don't you give us the answers as well," - you know, just a smartass comment. The prof then promptly rattled off all 30 of the answers - much too quickly to write down, let alone realize that that was what he was doing. Damn - looks like it's time to start taping lectures.... or get a memory upgrade. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (A. Lani Teshima) Subject: Hose humor This guy noticed that the flight attendant had a run in her pantyhose. "Hey lady, you got a runner," he says to her quietly as she walked past him in the aisle. As he points to the run on her leg, she replied, "I'd rather consider it a Highway to Heaven!" Believe it or not, this really happened to a flight attendant (it was the 40-year-old flight attendant from Delta that had PMS, but probably not while the hose ran on her thigh). = = = = = = = From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington) Subject: True story about mice The mouse on my Apple Macintosh jammed a day or two ago, so I took it to pieces to see what was wrong with it. It turned out to have a small piece of cheese wedged inside it -- I'd been using it on the dining-room table. So now I know why they're called mice... our cats don't seem to be interested in them, however, and they don't seem to make people stand on chairs, as in early 60s sit-coms. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gary Koerzendorfer) Subject: Contemplative humor Heard recently on the NPR show "Car Talk", and could apply to many human activities: "We've talked about it a lot, but we haven't thought about it." = = = = = = = From: Madis.Kaal@f30.n490.z2.fidonet.org (Madis Kaal) Organization: FidoNet node 2:490/30 - Mailbox-CG, Tallinn Subject: Weird error message The personal computer ISKRA-1030 (made in USSR, supposed to be XT clone) can generate an error message: "Write protect error reading device CON" = = = = = = = From: kamal@palomino.UUCP (Kamal Karlapalem) Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED Yesterday, while I was buying tickets at the Movie hall, I heard someone say at the other counter: "Two Ghosts Please!!". = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Stan Reeves) Organization: Auburn University, Department of Electrical Engineering Subject: the ultimate in gender-neutral reporting Our local paper recently reported the following crime in the "Police Report": "The subject claimed that a wallet was stolen from his or her purse." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (John Sahr) Subject: heel thyself [original and true, although the names have been changed] My friend Richard was a white water rafting guide for several years in Northern California. His company used to exchange float trips for medical services. Everybody was happy: the guides were kept healthy, the doctors got some raft trips, and the raft company cut its medical expenses. At some point Richard needed a routine checkup; he inquired at the rafting company offices and was told that they would set up an appointment with a certain Dr. Kurt Sandstrom in San Francisco. Richard drove into The City, and at the appointed hour arrived at the offices of one Dr. Kurt Sandstrom, gynecologist. Richard, enlightened young man that he was, knew something that many do not know; gynecologists are real doctors, and are perfectly capable of doing "regular things" and not just "whatever it is that gynecologists do, but we musn't talk about." Since the white water rafters tend to be a fun-loving bunch, he also knew that he had been set up by the company's secretary. Nevertheless, after a moment's amused reflection, he strolled into the office, and presented himself at the desk. "Hi, my name's Richard Draper, I've got an appointment with Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock." As it happened, the doctor's staff seemed also to be unacquainted with the versatility of gynecologists. They were puzzled, and embarrassed, and they attempted to send Richard away, without using the "G" word. "There must be some mistake; we don't think you have an appointment with the doctor," replied one of the staff. "Gosh, I drove all the way out here, could you just check the books?" asked Richard. Upon doing so, they discovered that there was, indeed, a ten o'clock apointment for one R. Draper. "Well, there seems to be an appointment for you, but there must be a mistake. Dr. Sandstrom can't be your doctor." "Well, why not? He is a doctor, isn't he?" Richard is very bright fellow, but he looks very much like a surfin' dude and can play very dumb when he wishes. The office staff hemmed and hawed, trying to get Richard to leave, but he wouldn't be rebuffed. Finally one of the staff layed it out for him, plain enough for even a surfer to understand: "you can't see the doctor, because he's a gynecologist." "That's okay, my ear hurts too," replied Richard. He saw Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock sharp. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Lawrence T. Hardiman) Organization: The Birdsong Company Subject: who's the best In his introduction of Albert Lee, the MC at a Stanford Lively Arts program, "Masters of the Steel String Guitar", said that Mr. Lee had once been hired by Eric Clapton to play lead guitar. He then said: "Being hired by Eric Clapton to play lead guitar is like being hired by Jack the Ripper to be a hit man." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jefferson Provost) Subject: A peacenik for the 90's Not long ago, about the time when the ground offensive to liberate Kuwait was about to begin, I saw the following two rather large bumper stickers next to each other on the back of a car on the Pittsburgh streets: VISUALIZE WORLD PEACE - SHIT HAPPENS = = = = = = = From: vince@bcsaic.UUCP (Vince Skahan) Organization: Boeing Aerospace and Electronics - Seattle Subject: Re: interesting echoes from the mideast on the first day of the ground war, CNN had on some unedited footage of burning oil fields in the background, burned up Iraqi tanks in the distance, and thousands of Iraqi prisoners walking by all under arrest... a US (I assume) soldier is heard to say: "we bad...or we bad ???" = = = = = = = From: Emme@tweety.intel.com (David Emme) Organization: Intel Knowledge Applications Lab Subject: Object-Oriented Programming Quote without comment from a recent Apple publication entitled "Upgrade your favorite tool. Your mind." peddling Developer University courses including "Introduction to Object-Oriented Programming": "I still get goose bumps every time I override a method... Wow! I just can't believe how much fun OOP is." - Harry Wiguna, HealthCare Communications = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Kevin Denelsbeck) Subject: They Grow Up So Fast... Not sure if this is truly "topical", but heard this on CNN. A reporter is doing a human interest story on Sunday, April 7th, the eve of baseball season. A bunch of young kids are playing sandlot ball. The reporter stops one of the kids, who can't be older than 10, and starts asking him all these typical questions about "Isn't baseball great?", etc. Then he says... REPORTER: Is there anything better than baseball? YOUNG KID: Not that I know of. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Franz G. Amador) Subject: A free gift The other day I received a gift from Alzheimer's Disease Research in the hope that I would contribute to their cause. It was a packet of flower seeds. Forget-me-not's. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED Recently heard on an ad for the 10 o'clock news: "Cyanide laced Sudafed has been recalled...We'll tell you why." = = = = = = = From: HART@vtmath.math.vt.edu (McBryde 461I; 552-3177) Subject: TRUE, MATH-related experience: I teach advanced trig and beginning calculus at VPI. On a recent exam, I asked students to find the limit of the fraction (sin x)/n, as n approaches infinity. One unfortunate student canceled the "n"'s, and found that (sin x)/n = six.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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