[Note - below find the latest collection of Microsoft jokes. Geez, you guys really have it in for Bill... - ed.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (timothyh) Subject: Micro$oft pays for The Times In conjunction with the launch of MicroSoft Windows 95, Microsoft are paying for The Times newspaper, so it will be free. Anyway, this came up in our conversation at work and is original to us... It probably means that Thursday's (24th Aug) Edition will be bulkier than usual, use more resources, and mean you'll be slower taking it home. And in two months time, they'll send out a few extra pages, with scissors and sticky tape, as a patch. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark H. Anbinder) Subject: The Microsoft Network is Doomed Organization: Memory Alpha * Ithaca New York [Forwarded from a friend in Texas. Origin unknown.] Top Ten Reasons Why the Microsoft Network May Fail: 10. Works with the same intuitive ease as MS-DOS 9. Alienates Mac users by assigning them degrading screen names 8. Designed by same person who coordinates' Bill Gates' wardrobe 7. Stock ticker only lists Microsoft 6. Only allows bulletin board posts critical of the Justice Department 5. Due to first-generation Pentium chip handling billing, average monthly charge is eight billion dollars 4. Every screen has tiny picture of Ernest Borgnine 3. Only online magazine is "Ranger Rick" 2. In desperate attempt to lure "Star Trek" fans, offered free shuttlecraft to each new subscriber 1. Online fees must be paid in giant stone coins of the Yap Islanders = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Mark H. Anbinder) Subject: The Bard on Windows 95 Organization: Memory Alpha * Ithaca New York [Seen on QM-L, posted by Jeff Makos] "Now is the Windows of our disk content." -- Richard v3.0 = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ted Woodward) Subject: windows 95? In Monday, 8/21/95's Austin American-Statesman, there was an article on the front page of the business section about businesses adopting Windows 95. The headline read: BUSINESS SLOW ON WINDOWS Of course, you realize that everything is slow on windows... = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tim) Subject: Win95 "All I can say is this computer program had better bake a cake or something! It's gotten a lot of press!" - Valerie Voss, CNN Senior Metrologist = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark Randall) Subject: Eight dot three I saw a great ad in today's Wall Street Journal. It was a full, 2-page, side-by-side ad. It had only one large, centered line: C:\\ONGRTLNS.W95 and a little Apple logo at the bottom. Devastating. :) = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Sally Smith) Subject: NOW the hype's gone too far!!! This morning (Aug. 24) I was surfing the Web and, as usual, clicked on Yahoo's What's New. There was nothing on the page except a Windows95 ad. Sally = = = = = = = From: SKing@direct.ca (S.M. King) Organization: King InfoMedia Subject: Re: Windows 95 Commercials Submitted on behalf of the creator, Trevor Inkpen, Quill Services Ltd. Victoria B.C. Canada, firstname.lastname@example.org Microsoft's pick for Rolling Stones song to launch Windows 95: "Start Me Up" (Isn't it ironic that one of the lines is "..make a grown man cry..."?) Bill Gate's message to the world: "Under My Thumb" Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade" Song picks for the rest of us: For those with only 8 Mb RAM: "(I can't get no) Satisfaction" For those with 486's: "Time Is On My Side" For those with existing non-Plug'n'Play hardware: "19th Nervous Breakdown" For Win95 support staff: "Sympathy for the Devil" After 2 months on the support line: "Emotional Rescue" For those who would rather use NeXTStep: "Paint it Black" For everybody who buys Win95: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: email@example.com (Funny Guy) Subject: Even more entries for the Microsoft Digest Keywords: topical, smirk to chuckle, computers, offense=Microsoft fans Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org [Note - and the beat goes on... - ed] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Organization: Arizona State University Subject: A sign of Windows 95 My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on one side it says: I was there at the start. On the other side it says: I need assistance. Please Call Police. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (William J. Evans) Subject: Windows 95: just add... Organization: better, but not good enough yet An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked, "Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?" The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 without a computer than with one." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (David Shepherd) Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the Bill Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event, is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut". = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Alan H. Zacher) Subject: Win9x: REM Ad themesong After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes, it came to me that it might have been: LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher to the tune of Losing My Religion (Appologies to REM) Windoze is bigger It's bigger than Earth But not quite as big as The things that I must do now To upgrade all my stuff Oh no I need more RAM I set it up That's me in the corner That's me on the help line Losing my connection Trying to keep up with OS/2 And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I need more RAM I haven't bought enough I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you Ping! I think I thought I saw a GPF Every nightmare Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm Purchasing new hardware Trying to cool my CPU Like a Pentium that become a 286 Oh no I need more RAM Resistance is futile. Consider this The OS of the century Consider this The OS that brought me To my knees failed Now all these open apps have Come crashing down Now I need more RAM I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you Ping! I think I thought I saw a GPF But that was just a dream I hope that was a dream... = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ian Barkley-Yeung) Subject: Microsoft I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support line. The banner said, in big, bold letters: MICROSOFT ONE MICROSOFT WAY I though, is that their address -- or their marketing plan? = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Wayne Hathaway) Organization: Auspex Systems Subject: About Windows 95 ad campaign It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up" instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one with a title short enough to fit in a filename. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (mark ashley) Subject: Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads Multitasking You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting ! Built-in Networking You can crash several PC's all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP Plug and Pray (that it works) Multimedia Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software. Increased Productivity You will need to increase your budget to buy more products like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer ! That's product-ivity. User-Friendly Picture of clouds State of the Art Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art. MacIntosh-like It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original. Online Registration Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the rest of your life. MS Plus More money for Bill's plus side. Optimize It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity". Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Funny Guy) Subject: More Microsoft comments Keywords: smirk, offense=Microsoft fans Approved: email@example.com [Note - more Microsoft one-liners - ed.] = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Peter Bonney) Subject: Ah, so that's the attraction! Like many computer retailers, CompUSA is touting Windows 95 heavily. In a recent ad, however, the dialog between their two familiar radio person-ad-ities put it all in perspective... [...] "Before I got Windows 95 I was just another palooka going nowhere." "And what are you now?" "A palooka with Windows 95." [end of ad] Inspiring, isn't it? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Wei-Yuen Tan) Subject: Watch out, Bill Gates Seen on the billboard outside The Cecil, one of Vancouver's classier strip bars: "If you thought Win 95 was exciting, wait till you see sisters Shauna and Julia!" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Larry Salomon Jr.) Subject: Ultimate in desparation Heard this in the #os/2 channel on IRC. Don't know where it came from. ---------- Seen on a sign, held up by a derelict person: "Will uninstall Windows 95 for food!"
(From the "Rest" of RHF)