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MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas

REISER@aol.com (Rob Reiser)
(topical, chuckle, computers, holidays, original)

MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas

by Robert Reiser

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement
with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at
a press conference held via sattelite from Santa's 
summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.
In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights 
to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified
inventions.In addition, Microsoft will gain access 
to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning
Jan 1, 1995, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be
copyrighted by Microsoft.  This unprecedented move was
facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court.  Microsoft
stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas 
great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas 
and Reindeer names available to all."  It is believed 
that the guidelines for licensing these names, due 
before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied 
"Microsoft has been working on a more effecient delivery 
mechanism for all of our products for some time, but 
recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate
benefits.  We'll use it first for the release of 
Windows95 and Office 95."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown 
a seamingly endless video stream of products that make
up the deal.  It ended with a  green and red version
of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark,
leading into the announcement of the first product from
the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations
said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within
the Microsoft Organization.  This will take some time,
so don't expect any changes this year."  She continued,
"our big plans are for next year, when we release
Christmas 95.  It will be bigger and better than last
year."  She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users
who sign up with MS Network  will get sneak previews
of Christmas[95] as early as November first."

Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of
1995, though one unnamed source said that it is
dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip
into the first half of 1996.  An economist at Goldman
Sachs explained that a slip would be catostrophic to
next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue,
possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after
Christmas, whenever that was.  "But it could be good
in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft
controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or
June, which are much slower months for retailers.
This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered,
Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship
of holidays, so wewanted to start there.  Not all
holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will
have to show a good long-term business," suggesting
that holidays with a short history may not be in the
plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a
Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable,
even for a man of Santa's stature."  Some analysts think
that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is
looking for a means to expand his business to year
'round products and services.  Others contend that the
Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not
be reached for comment.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: University of Northern Iowa
From: perduet5103@cobra.uni.edu (by way of ghost@hades.hell.org [lost-in-cyberspace])
Subject: MICROSOFT Acquires Christmas
Keywords: computer, smirk
Approved: funny@clarinet.com

MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas 
 
by Robert Reiser 
 
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus 
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from 
Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.  In the deal, 
Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other 
unspecified inventions.  In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions 
of households through the Santa Sleigh. 
 
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995, Christmas 
and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft.  This unprecedented 
move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court.  Microsoft stated its 
commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make 
licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all."  It is 
believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, 
will be very strict. 
 
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been 
working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for 
some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. 
 We'll use it first for the release of Windows95 and Office 95." 
 
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless 
video stream of products that make up the deal.  It ended with a  green and 
red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark, leading 
into the announcement of the first product from the deal. 
 
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is 
to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization.  This will take 
some time, so don't expect any changes this year."  She continued, "our big 
plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 95.  It will be bigger and 
better than last year."  She further elaborated that "Windows95 users who 
sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[95] as early as 
November first." 
 
Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one unnamed 
source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip 
into the first half of 1996.  An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a 
slip would be catostrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax 
revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income 
tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was.  "But it 
could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling 
Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months 
for retailers.  This may serve to even out the economy over the year." 
 
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that 
"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there.  Not all 
holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good 
long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be 
in the plans. 
 
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC 
approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a 
man of Santa's stature."  Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the 
Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 
'round products and services.  Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is 
looking to retire in Redmond. 
 
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for 
comment. 



(e-mailed to me by Leigh Zeitz at the University of Northern Iowa)

(From the "Rest" of RHF)


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