Subject: THEORY of EVERYTHING! One day soon, the theory of everything will arrive and gravity may come under our control. Life will never be the same ... Here are some headlines from the future: MISSING FLIGHT - NEWS Latest news reports confirm that passengers on Flight 303 to Tokyo are alive and well - but not in this galaxy. MACY'S CLOSED BY FLYING FISH The New York department store was closed yesterday when a flying fish partially demolished the building. This one was a 200-ton Blue Whale. Japanese fishermen are known to be angry over a ban on whaling. NO CHANGE AT NEPTUNE The recent proposal to move Neptunes moon Triton from its retrograde motion around the giant planet, and into a prograde orbit, has been rejected by a senate Sub-Committee. Claims that the retrograde motion was untidy have been dismissed. MOON RETURNED TO EARTH ORBIT Careful manoeuvring by NASA scientists has at last returned the Moon to its former orbit around the earth. It had been found orbiting Uranus after mysteriously disappearing last week. Teenage hackers who broke into a NASA computer are thought to be the cause. MacDOWELLS PROMOTION Is it a balloon? people were asking this week after a large circular object was spotted tethered to the one of the hamburger chains eateries. In fact, it was 1,000 pound Al Stuffit on his first outing since increasing weight - and gravity - confined him to his bed when his weight exceeded 500 pounds. With his new Hughes Aircraft Anti-Gravity Belt, he can get about once more. His burgers and Big Max are placed in a bucket which he hauls up. He eats free, but only at MacDowells. But he doesn't want people to think his life is devoted to gluttony - MacDowells only open 8am to 11pm. Similar sightings have been reported in other cities and it is understood that a race is on to become the world's heaviest man. The winner will gain a valuable prize - a permanent place in earth orbit, where bone fractures are unlikely. WORLD'S FIRST HOTEL WITH NO BEDS Hughes Aircraft Company have announced the acquisition of the Hotel Astor in Acapulco. All 600 beds have been removed and distributed among the poor. Future guests will be supplied with Anti-Gravity Belts and will simply float up to the ceilings, which have been specially padded and fitted with pillows. The disaster at the experimental Las Vegas sleep-in, when 700 gamblers plunged to the floor without warning at 3am will not happen in Acapulco, where frequent power cuts are a worry. Emergency power supplies are being installed. WEIGHT LIFTER DISQUALIFIED Olympic gold medallist Alwyn Upheave has been disqualified from the Wagga Wagga Olympics in an anti-gravity scandal. A search revealed secret Hughes Aircraft Co gadgets concealed in his navel. An officlal said: "We would have believed it if he just added a couple of pounds to the world record - but this guy tried to kid us he could hoist twelve tons. We were very suspicious." LONDON BUS FOUND IN CRATER ON MOON One of Londons famous red double-decker buses has been sighted in a small crater in the Sea of Tranquillity. This is the latest in a spate of disappearances which have been blamed on students. Other buses have been found orbiting Jupiter, frozen in the polar ice, inside Fort Knox, on the White House lawn, at the summit of Mount Everest and one landed in the middle of the pitch at Yankee Stadium during a Superbowl game.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)