(a takeoff on some spam I first saw, sadly, in rec.humor.funny itself, Message-ID <email@example.com>; there are some obscure references to current Netnews controversies) Our HACKER FIRM offers direct guaranteed effective newsgroup restoration services by experienced hackers. THIS IS NOT A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT. What can we do? We have successfully facilitated the removal of Spam(tm), Pyramid Schemes, Copyright Violations, Malicious Rmgroups, Religious Censorship Bogus Cancels, Postcard Collection World Records, and Moral Bankruptcies from the Net's collective memory. WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR NEWSGROUP CAN BE RESTORED!!! Who needs our services? Anyone who has experienced the inconvenience and embarrassment of posting a message in thousands of inappropriate newsgroups, mailing lists, or Web sites, and then had the living spit flamed out of him or her. Anyone who is unable to browse the network of their dreams due to denial of a clueless idiot or who has to read thousands of messages more than they're interested in. Anyone who has been turned down for a posting to rec.humor.funny or talk.catastrophism due to derogatory postings on a out-of-date readership report. Anyone who has been unable to establish creditability. THE FOUR GREAT MYTHS OF CREDITABILITY: Myth #1: It is illegal or immoral to have your E-meter cleared. Fact: It is not illegal nor immoral. In fact, it merely a trade secret of the Church of [it's a trademark, so we can't mention their name here]. Myth #2: The information in a newsgroup report cannot be changed. Fact: Actually, the opposite is true under the Cybermoose[tm], Cyberpoodle[sm], and Cybersell[phd] programs. Myth #3: It is impossible to get a bankrupt (or honest) moderator off a newsgroup. Fact: Bankrupt moderators can come off newsgroups like any other derogatory user. The nature of the derogatory user has nothing to do with its removal under the Fairly Obvious Forged Resignation Letter Act, only with how sure you are that they are brainless, immoral, or fattening. Myth #4: Internet Service Providers are empowered with some kind of governmental authority. Fact: Absolutely Not!! They are simply large corporations whose primary goal is to read Netnews and surf the Web all day, but get paid for it. If you have ever applied for or received creditability, a file exists in one or more of the spool directories. These directories collect, store and distribute as much creditability information as they can find, retaining negative information on an alt.answers FAQ for 7 to 10 years. This information is evaluated by potential newsgroup readers to determine your creditability worthlessness. Creditability-reporting-FAQs are in business to protect the interests of the Usenet users. The HACKER FIRM's goal is to help and protect the individual user from inaccurate creditability reporting. The president of our HACKER FIRM has been practicing computer law since his conviction in 1994. The staff of our firm has successfully processed, canceled, and rmgrouped thousands of client articles and newsgroups. Our hacker fee is based on the number of negative items that appear on a client's Netnews articles, as judged by three national Net Gods. Our retainer agreement offers a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE stating that if any negative item is not forged, canceled, or spammed from the Net's collective memory, it will give the client a full refund for that item or continue to process the client's file at no additional fee until that item is beaten into the ground in news.admin. THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOSE IS YOUR REPUTATION!! PLEASE CONTACT THE HACKER FIRM AND LEAVE YOUR FULL NAME, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, AND TCP/IP ADDRESS SO WE MAY FORWARD SPOOFED PACKETS TO YOU FROM OUR SERVICE. Spam is a trademark of Hormel.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)