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50 Ways To Perplex In The Computer Lab
firstname.lastname@example.org (Eric A. Seiden)
Pro-Entropy +1-305-265-9073 (DAR Systems Int'l -- Miami, FL)
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's
turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the
process for a good half hour.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a
different screen than the one it's set up with.
- Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play
it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
- Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled
by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.
- Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
- Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
- Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue
- Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
if they're crazy while typing.
- Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
- Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
"Oops, I forgot."
- Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and
scream "YES!" when it finishes.
- "DISK FIGHT!!!"
- Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make
- Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
- If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time
- Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and
then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
- Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive.
When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
- When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is.
- Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its
all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
- Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
next to you.
- Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases
tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
- If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends,
cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
- Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
- Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by
layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku
about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
- Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
about the bad working conditions.
- Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
- Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
- Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key,
hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
- Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
- Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard &
- Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
- When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.
- Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
- Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the
space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your
neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times,
erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your*
delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space
bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted
about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar
this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out
your document and leave.
- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
- Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
- Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from
under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good.
It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
- Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
- See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to
them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they
get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
- Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
- Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
the lead doesn't work.
- Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then
laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!" and kiss the
screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy
mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.
- Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!" then
calmly sit down and begin to type.
- Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my
pet crocodile for the next week."
- Two words: Tesla Coil.
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