(Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football Picks'.)
Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution- mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid- chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is Right.
Our General Principles:
Some Special Cases:
And so, the Rankings:
1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins 2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears 6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams 7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered 8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans 9. Detroit Lions Indianapolis Colts 11. Washington Native Americans 12. Kansas City Native American Leaders 13. Cleveland Players Of Color 14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced 15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers 16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you) 17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists 19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh 20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets 21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers 22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers 23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters 24. San Diego Electricity Consumers 25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters 26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers 27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers 28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavox's. Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life. Learn the difference.