* Get frustrated every softball season losing to that same team with all the big sluggers, year in and year out? * Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis playing friend of yours with the killer serve? * Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you?
LET US DO THE DIRTY WORK FOR YOU. COME SEE US AT THE...
TONYA HARDING CENTER
That's right! For a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.
Blow to the knee $ 99.95 Blow to both knees (a better buy) $149.95 Blow to the head $124.95 Knife in the back (tennis players only) $ 49.95 Kick in the groin (male athletes only) $ 9.95 Poke out one eye $ 49.95 Poke out both eyes (a better buy) $ 79.95 Gunshot to the knee $199.95 Gunshot to both knees $299.95 Gunshot to the head $499.95 Impalement in a public place $999.95 Kill one parent (Texas cheerleader style) $799.95
This week only, kill both parents for $1399.95, just ask for the Menendez Special!
Remember Wednesdays are bonus days. Order 1 act of violence and receive the next for 50% off!
With every order of over $300 you will receive a collapsable hard-plastic baton signed by Tonya Harding, herself, free! It's just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
Order now and receive absolutely free...the Lorena Bobbit Home Castration Kit!
TO ORDER, CALL TOLL-FREE: 1-800-JUST-WIN.