[Note: This is late, but still somewhat amusing. Remember to submit topical humor to email@example.com for priority processing. --Ed.] Starlog 11 August 1993 Report on Perseids Comet shower from the U.S. Eastern Seaboard The Smith/Tuttle meteor cut acrossed the earths trajectory recently, which many speculated would leave lots of space floatsam around for the world to go careening into, ultimately providing a "meteor shower" and a solid alternative to network programming. This caused a major opportunity for the government, who are desparately trying to show President Bill in a good light; the Nielson people were supposed to ask the question "Would you rather have the governement run by Bill and Hilary or a couple cans of Spam?" Most intellegent people would be out of doors somewhere looking at the meteors and so theoretically the remaining folks would give the correct anwer. We decided to travel to one of the best star gazing places around - our deck out back. Living in a forest like we do, we have very little light pollution in our back yard. Heck, 50 bazillion mosquitoes love it there and hold annual conventions all the time...although we have noticed a marked decrease since the infamous "tail-bite" scandal a few weeks ago. A couple of the neighbors came over, we layed blankets around for people to lay on, and got out our star gazing equipment: Malted Milk Balls. Many people make the mistake of underestimating Malted Milk Balls in stargazing and meteor gazing and other-worldly stuff, but not in our family! We try to keep a supply around for various special events, natural disasters, and going onto to deck to watch Perseids meteor storms. It was finally dark enough to see the stars around 9:00pm, at which time we all lay back and watched: the clouds. Yes, the clouds moved in and pretty muched blocked the view of the sky. Suddenly, we had a great shooting star that you could see through the thinnest parts of the clouds! It was huge and left a large firey wake behind it, generally illuminating the sky. EXCELLENT! The show had begun! We sat back for more. About a half hour later my wife & others of the female persuasion decided it was time to make "Orange Julius's," another critical stargazing acrument. Great idea! But they turned on the Kitchen lights, soliciting complaints from the deck population who still were trying to see the sky, intently watching the clouds. Every once in a while a hole would appear where the clouds broke up and everyone would hold their breath and see: stars. Then, we would go back to our usual scientific observation of celestial bodies: "Oh, look kids, that one looks like a ducky!" After another hour those of on the deck decided to go looking for our Orange Julius's, which our wives were still making. This is one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Making things in the kitchen for a group of women is generally a social event, and if something useful happens to pop out it's just luck. It's probably fattening anyways so who needs it. Men on the other hand go into the kitchen with two things on their minds: food and leaving large handprints on the freshly-polished refrigerator. "Food" to a man is only found in two places: on the table, and in the refrigerator. Anything in the refrigerator is food: coldcuts, soy sauce, beer, fishing bait, whatever. Things in cupboards are not generally food, but food additives: seasonings, soups, Malted Milk Balls, napkins, phone books, etc. This is important to know because about this time I got a call from the Nielson ratings people with the now well known question, to which I replied a couple of cans of Spam. "Why aren't you out watching the meteor shower?" asked the pollster. "Too much cloud cover to see anything, so we came back in," I replied. "Well, that certainly explains our ratings in New England. Tell me, how can you justify food over Bill and Hilary?" "Spam's not food."
(From the "Rest" of RHF)