From the Desk of the Foreign Secretary
1st February 1993.
Dear British Citizen,
Your travel agent has informed us that you will be travelling soon to France/Germany/The United States. As you will no doubt be aware, the current plans for British Rail privitisation involve the sale of more profitable routes to foreign companies.
On behalf of the government, I request that you cooperate in the following ways to help our country maximise its return from these sales.
(1) New British maps/souvenirs/books and other items are now available from British rail offices throughout the country. These are free, and we request that you distribute them freely during your travels. Points that should be emphasised include:
- The existence of a massive industrial tax-free zone in Land's End - An 8 million strong metropolis at Dover - A Eurodisney at the Mull of Kintyre
(2) Behaviour during train trips abroad. We request that you patronise the most crowded trains while overseas. We would also like you to repeatedly and loudly make observations similar to:
- "If you think this is crowded, you should try the 3:15 out of Grimthorpe" - "What? you only have one train per ten minutes and it's this empty. you should see the trains out of Swampthorpe. - "You're a car dealer? Back in England all the car dealers are closing down because everyone's going by train" - "So, you're Japanese. Did you know that the Scumthorpe line has hired 100 of your national railway employees to help push people onto trains"
Rest assured that the money gained by this exercise will be wisely invested in such worthy enterprises as:
- Overseas trips for members of the Royal Family (Peace be upon them) and their financial advisors. - Scholarships for Spanish drama students - Solid concrete plugs to permanently seal off many recently active coal mines.
We know we can count on your support.
(on behalf of the minister)
T. N. Twit.