It's CURTAINS for the Macintosh After the amazing success of Microsog's WINDOWS (TM) -- the software which you bought when you found you'd received a PC for Christmas when you really wanted a Macintosh -- there is a new product from Microhard, called CURTAINS (TM). CURTAINS is the program you want if you are stuck with a Macintosh and its irritatingly user-friendly WIMP environment, when what you really wanted was an old-fashioned square box with flashing lights into which you fed a paper tape. After all, we don't want machines getting user-friendly -- they'll start inviting themselves round to tea next, and bring their ghastly friends. God, I had a terribly dull afternoon yesterday with a Mac SE/30 and a set of traffic lights that he'd picked up on a street corner. Flashy, that's what she was. Sorry, where was I? Anyway CURTAINS has the following advantages over the old-fashioned Mouse-based operating systems: * No mouse cluttering up your desk and falling off it every few minutes. They ought to be called lemmings, ha ha. * No keyboard on which you're not supposed to spill coffee. When I were a lad we punched all the holes in the paper tape with a darning needle, and now CURTAINS lets you do this again. * Handy flashing light attachments to blink at you in a friendly but not too familiar manner. * Totally compatible with EDSAC, ERNIE, MANIAC, TITAN, etc. * Allows you to run software that you thought was obsolete. Dig out all your programs in Mercury Autocode, Binary, and BASIC. Re-use your Jacquard Loom knitting patterns (special wool-compatible attachments can be purchased.) * Immune to viruses. Anyone trying to hack a machine running CURTAINS can easily be recognised. They will be wandering around with a spanner, a soldering iron, and about a mile of paper-tape containing the virus. CURTAINS is a trade-mark of Microhard. Likewise UNIX is a trade-mark of Bell Labs. If this isn't enough to put you off Bell Labs' other products, then maybe it should be.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)