Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old. I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Pat) Subject: New George (original) Bush Lite: Less Capital gains, More Domestic Policy. = = = = = = = From: DAVIDV%EARLHAM.BITNET@uicvm.uic.edu (I AM WHO AM) Subject: Pitbull genetics (Original, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else has thought of it:) Q: What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a cattle prod? A: Bitten, almost certainly. = = = = = = = From: T.KILBRIDE@genie.com (Funniest Guy) Subject: Question & answer's Summary: The ole' standby "waddia git" type of humor we all can use to make the day go Q: Why is sex so popular? A: Because it's centrally located. Q: What do you get if you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. = = = = = = = Subject: Pat Buchanan Quote From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu On the campaign trail last week, Pat Buchanan said: "I don't want to attack Dan Quayle. That would be child abuse." = = = = = = = Subject: George Bush From: firstname.lastname@example.org (John Rickert) What's the PC term for George Bush? "Politically challenged." = = = = = = = Subject: Computer viruses From: MGLASS@fnal.fnal.gov (Michael Glass at Fermilab) I was surprised to learn that many computer virus programs have copyright notices embedded in them. Applied to a computer virus, what could the concept of copyright possibly *mean*? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tim Wood) Subject: Sex roles Seen on a bumper sticker (attached to a Ford Ranger pickup): I haven't had sex for so long, I don't remember who gets tied up. Thanks, -Tim = = = = = = = From: SNOJNB@mvs.sas.com (Jeff Beusse) Subject: She's so fat ... (new to me) Heard from Jake Johnson, Wednesday morning guest comedian on WRDU 106.1, Raleigh, NC: (Done in an imitation of Rodney Dangerfield's voice) My wife is so fat, when we want to have sex, I have to pound her on the thigh and ride the wave in!!! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Kenneth R Crudup) Subject: Michael Jackson video dance name A local DJ (WILD-AM here in Boston) has given the quickly-censored dance number at the end of MJ's "Black or White" video a name: "The Squirrel Dance", chosen since he was obviously gathering his nuts. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Steve Simmons) Subject: Who Was Influential In 1991? Told to me by John Dreystadt: Who did the most to influence history in 1991? Oliver Stone. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James G. Acker) Subject: Warnings from above, religious I just went to a seminar on the chemistry of stratospheric ozone and came up with us (has anyone else noticed?) The acronym formed by the first letters of the phrase "GLOBAL OZONE DEPLETION" is GOD. I don't know about you, but I'm worried. = = = = = = = From: kbad@atari.UUCP (Ken Badertscher) Subject: My boss... "My boss is a Jewish carpenter." - Bumper sticker "My boss is a Jewish astrophysicist, what's your point?" - A coworker (our boss has a PhD in astrophysics) (Submitted by me for Mark Jansen, who thought it up, but probably wouldn't submit it himself. Oh, and please don't include this parenthetical attribution with the joke if you accept the joke). = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Robert J Woodhead) Subject: Boston Driving JBOLOGNA@bentley has it all wrong. There are only three rules for driving in Boston. 1) Keep your eyes open. 2) Keep your wits about you. 3) Keep your insurance paid up. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael A. Covington) Subject: New motto (Original) A bumper-sticker slogan to protect us against activists: "I'm apolitical -- and I vote!" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: PC Recycling I am generally skeptical of the "PC Multicultural Conspiracy" charge, but a recent incident at the local recycling depot has forced me to reconsider. Arriving with a large box of paper, I was reprimanded for not separating the paper of color from the white trash. = = = = = = = From: jamie@mkseast.UUCP (Jamie Haviland) Subject: Just a little pun This is an original by me.... Did you hear about the new building demolition company? They call themselves "Ediface Wrecks". = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark Jones) Subject: In the good ol' summer time It has been determined that most teenage girls lose their virginity during the summer months. This stands to reason, since congress is recessed at that time. Heard it on comic strip live recently. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Richard Pierson) Subject: Lesbian joke How do you tell if a house has been built by lesbians ? It's all tongue and groove, No studs. Rich = = = = = = = From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu Subject: Welfare Rush Limbaugh on the subject of welfare: "What's wrong with our safety net is that too many people are using it as a hammock." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Vijay Rangarajan) Subject: Was Soviet Union. Original and can be distributed freely! Two of US's big problems were solved around the same time. The disbanding of the Soviet Union and getting good pictures from hubble, the problems being, nuclear arms and unclear mars. = = = = = = = From: mhr@ccicpg.UUCP (Mark Hull-Richter) Subject: Radio funnies Heard this one on the radio this morning (from Jeff Greenleaf (?)): The next time you get a speeding ticket and have nothing to do for the next ten days or so, try this: When the officer asks for your drivers license, registration and proof of insurance, give it to him, but look at him funny. When he comes back, say, "There's nothing in the trunk." -- Mark A. Hull-Richter UUCP: ccicpg!mhr In all things, restraint, ICL North America Also: email@example.com especially with respect 9801 Muirlands Blvd firstname.lastname@example.org to posting articles and Irvine, CA 92713 (714)458-7282x4539 doubly so for flames. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Bob Morris) Subject: What's the difference between a H/W engineer and a S/W engineer? What's the difference between a software engineer and a hardware engineer? A software engineer burns PROMS; a hardware engineer blows PALS. = = = = = = = Organization: AUSOM - The Apple Users Society of Melbourne From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Solomon Braunstein) Subject: Appearance An old spinster was asked what she liked most in men. "Appearance," she replied "and the sooner the better". = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Michael H Bender) Subject: Bumper Sticker in Detroit (stolen from the San Jose Mercury News): Seen on a bumper sticker in Detroit: SADDAM HUSSEIN STILL HAS A JOB. DO YOU? = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dustin Emhart) Subject: MLK Holiday Weather This is original. At least, I haven't heard anyone telling it but me. Atlanta had a couple inches of snow on the ground for the federal holiday on January 20. Now, snow is a wonderful thing for holidays like Christmas, but there's just something not right about a white MLK's Birthday. = = = = = = = Organization: The Sideways Machine, Lower Hutt, New Zealand From: email@example.com (Radagast) Subject: Lada Motor Vehicles What's the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah's Witness? You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness. = = = = = = = From: Mark_Olson@imd.sterling.com (Mark Olson) Subject: Meetings I heard this one on a local radio station (KKCD) this morning: Q: What is a Meeting? A: It is a place where good ideas go to die.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)