| RHF Joke Archives | 
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.
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From: sears@hplsbs.hpl.hp.com (Bart Sears)
Subject: football (American) existential question
Carl Steward, a columnist in the Fremont Argus newspaper, posed this question:
If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is
reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count?
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From: C512052@umcvmb.missouri.edu (David K. Drum)
Subject: Another ST:TNG Tasha Yar/Data joke
Q: What does Tasha Yar list on her resume?
A: Data Entry
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From: gregw@bismarck.gatech.edu
Subject: Magazine similarities
Heard on a local radio morning show:
Why is reading a Playboy/Playgirl magazine like reading National Geographic?
You get to see a lot of great places you'll never get to visit.
Greg Williams
gregw@bismarck.gatech.edu
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From: bets@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (Beth Schwindt)
Subject: Obligatory Amiga Putdown, by a PC user
Q: What is a Nintendo if you hook up a keyboard?
A: An Amiga. Attitude sold separately.
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From: dave@uunet.UUCP (David Rounds)
Subject: Green Bay Packers Lose Again
Source: Classified (Person to Person) in Chicago Tribune 12/6/91
WILL the lady who left her 11 kids at Lambeau Field plese pick
them up. They're beating the Packers 21-0.
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From: MWOLFE@alhrg.wpafb.af.mil (MICHAEL WOLFE)
Subject: Office Automation
We are phasing in a "paperless office."
We are starting with the restrooms.
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From: mavroidi@acf3.nyu.edu (Telly Mavroidis)
Subject: new shampoo
This came to me last night, I haven't heard it before:
Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a
new shampoo?
It's a roll-on.
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From: sagar@davinci.concordia.ca
Subject: Safe document processing (Original)
Practice "safe" document processing.
Use Latex.
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From: adh@minster.york.ac.uk
Subject: Faulty utterance
I believe this joke to be original, although I heard it from
a friend a few days ago, and it's so obvious that somebody
must have used it years ago:
What says: "Pieces of nine, pieces of nine!"
A parroty error!
adh
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From: jlodonne@descartes.waterloo.edu (Jenny O'Donnell)
Subject: joke - vasectomy problems
I just heard this at lunch today from a co-worker cracking up the table.
In his words:
"After my vasectomy, my testicles disappeared. The doctor
couldn't find them, so he replaced them with small onions.
Now I only have two problems, first whenever I see a gorgeous
woman my eyes water, and second whenever I see a delicious
hamburger I get a massive hard-on."
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From: dogwood!francis@gatech.edu (John Stracke)
Subject: A revolution in education
The other day I saw a headline from a couple of years back: "Bush
Wants a 'Revolution' in Schools."
So that's where the guns are coming from!
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From: nelson@cheetah.ece.clarkson.edu (Russ Nelson)
Subject: Funny buns
I took Brad Templeton out to lunch one day, and afterwards, we stopped
by a bakery to bring eleven doughnuts back to the office. The baker
offered a free sticky bun to pad our order to an even dozen, and Brad
refused the bun. After we left, I asked why. He said that he never
selects buns, especially pad buns.
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From: ryan@server.cs.jhu.edu
Subject: Filk (original): "Moonshine on my shoulders."
(To the obvious tune ...)
Moonshine ... on my shoulders ... makes me slip'ry ...
Moonshine ... in my eyes ... would make me cry ...
Moonshine ... mixed with water ... still tastes lovely ...
Moonshine ... almost always ... makes me high ...
If I had a brew that I could brew for you ...
I'd brew a brew ... sure to make you smile ...
If I had a still so I could distill for you ...
I'd make sure we had moonshine all the while ...
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From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: ted just doesn't get it
As told by Jay Leno:
Q: What did Ted Kennedy say when Willy Smith was acquitted?
A: PAAARTY! PAAARTY! PAAARTY! ...
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From: BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Subject: This week on MTV...
[ setup: MTV has a show called Unplugged where popular musicians perform
without the benefit of electric instruments. ]
Last night we were watching MTV when they ran an ad for an upcoming
show called "Paul McCartney Unplugged."
My wife looks up at the TV and asks, "wouldn't he die?"
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From: trudel@cs.rutgers.edu
Subject: Original nerd joke
Did you know that Arethra Franklin was one of the first network
programmers? Listen closely to the lyrics of "Respect":
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Tell you what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Open up a TCP
socket to me
socket to me
socket to me
socket to me...
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From: vk@aloft.att.com
Subject: Yet Another Corporate Merger
Original.
One of the more interesting takeovers in the recent past was that
of GE taking over the makers of BVD underwears. For
diversification purposes, of course. Their new slogan, you ask?
"We bring good things to life, in your BVD."
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From: jlinder@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (jlinder)
Subject: 7-11 Stores
Something to ponder:
If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, then why
are there locks on the doors?
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From: WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Subject: Getting old (and forgetful)
source: My father (a doctor)
"If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it."
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From: WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Subject: Graffiti
Seen on a park fence:
FIGHT APAth
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Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix
From: brad%genesis.uucp@gte.com (Brad Ackerman)
Seen on the back of a 911 driven by a blonde:
_____________________________________
| |
| If you can beat me, you can eat me. |
|_____________________________________|
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From: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix)
Subject: New Christmas dolls
"The Kathy Rigby doll--pull HER string, and you'll be sorry."
--Gary Burbank, AM 700 WLW radio (Cincinnati)
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Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system
From: uunet.uu.net!cellar!watmath!cellar.org!hacksaw@watmath
Subject: A sign of the times...
Seen on a local BBS:
As the expected time of birth drew near, the mother-to-be asked her
obstetrician, "Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during my
delivery?"
"Certainly," the doctor answered. "The father should always be present
at the moment of birth."
"That wouldn't be a good idea," the woman remarked. "He and my husband
don't get along."
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From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman)
Subject: Old Movie Song, New Joke
Q: What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom?
A: The candy man can.
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From: kilroy@gboro.glassboro.edu (Dr Nancy's Sweetie)
Subject: Original Joke
There's a new book in the works about Gorbachev and the failed coup last
August. It's titled _The Premier Who Came Back From His Cold_.
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From: jpc@avdms8.msfc.nasa.gov (J. Porter Clark)
Subject: Touchpad spelling
I have a friend who is so stupid that he tried to enter the
1-900-SPELLIT contest, but he kept getting the wrong number.
Original, so shoot me.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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