To: Cabinet Members From: N. Bonerpart Subject: Operation Backbacon Classification: Top Secret The American economy, in dire need of recovery from the blahs, necessitates drastic measures. Our foreign policy is also in shambles, due to our fixation with unpronouncible countries while ignoring our immediate neighbors. Recent military operations have shown that, indeed, practice makes perfect. Thus, Operation Backbacon combines economic, political, and military facets of government in a timely fashion (i.e. before an election). In a nutshell, Operation Backbacon is the invasion, conquest, and annexation of Canada. The economic benefits are thusly; improved access to timber for our junk mail infrastructure, water for our farmers and amusement parks, and dramatically improved supply of good beer. The foreign policy benefits include elimination of a costly and inert embassy. The military benefits are a full-dress exercise with minimal risk and acess to vast wilderness areas for our troops to go camping in. The initial wave of special forces are to be infiltrated across the borders disguised as hunters, fishermen, and college students buying cases of Molson's. The first wave is to be executed during the Stanley Cup playoffs; therefore no resistance is expected. The second wave requires a variety of MOS's (Military Occupational Specialty). There will be military police and truckers to orchestrate the seizure and shipping of beer. Surveyors and groundskeepers will rework the football fields to American dimensions. Speech therapists will barrage the television and radio frequencies with lessons on how to pronounce words with "ou" properly. Packing companies will pipeline back bacon to American pizza distributors. While there will be a regrettable upheaval in Canuck life, we will improve several facets of their system. No Canadian will have to pay VAT (Value Added Tax), except for Brian Mulroney. The monetary system will convert to American money, so the losses due to all those billions of Canadian coins in American vending machines will be eliminated. Top executives in the Canadian brewing industry will be transported down to Milwaukie and St. Louis, and given dictatorial power over our ailing beer companies. The surge in purchases of yellow and red ribbons as well as American flags, reduction of beer prices, and the ensuing baby boom should invigorate the economy substantially. While the effects of Operation Backbacon will wear off after a couple of years, there is no limitation on similar treatments elsewhere. In fact, Operation Enchilada is in the preliminary planning stage already. Sincerely, N. Bonerpart State Dept. -- | Devon Prichard | Lockheed Engineering & Sciences Co.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)