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Original phone messages by John Rappel:

>>For your (hopefully) amusement, here's a selection of the messages
I've left on my answering machine.

(Airplanes and machine guns in background)
Hi, I'd come to the phone, but I'm UNDER ATTACK!

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular
loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno,
bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well,
sometimes I do. Bye.

(Sung to the tune of Crying by Roy Orbison)
I'm glad you phoned,
but I'm not home.
No I'm not ho-o-o-o-ome.
But if you leave your name,
I'll call you back, my friend,
Just leave a message.
Yes if you leave your name,
I'll call you back again,
Just leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

...always calling... the phone, the phone... I can't reach the phone from
here... oh god... this transmission ends...

Hi, I'd get the phone, but I'm busy with this fabulous babe. No wait, I'm
busy with two fabulous, heck, four fabulous, no IT'S HUNDREDS, OH MY GOD,
IT'S THOUSANDS OF FABULOUS BABES AND THEY ARE EATING MY BRAIN!

(classical music in background, slow stoned voice)
Don't you ever wonder what life would be like?

Dear Caller: as I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for
a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty
mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did
you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for
a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Krazy's. Life sucks.

Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home,
and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't
ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (coughing loony laughter)


Well, that's all I can remember for now.

                                                        jr

{ed Please don't all send me your collections.  Perhaps John or somebody
else would like to volunteer to make a collection of the best.}

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